My Year in Lists
by specks05
Summary: When you don't know what you're moving on from, the road from lovers to friends is a lonely one. But when Jackson and April try to gut their former relationship for parts, they'll find that maybe they were something more all along. Please RxR. Mild Spoilers.
1. Chapter 1

**_Author's Note (of Joy!)- Okay, so I am new to this, I love Jackson and April and I don't own Grey's Anatomy. At present, that is basically all you need to know. Enjoy_**

**_Ahh...One more thing Title Credit goes to Los Campesinos. The song has nothing to do with the story, the title does. Boom.  
_**

**_Oh, and yes, this only cannon up until the last episode. Except for what I witnessed in the preview which made me inexplicably angry.  
_**

**_Okay, yes and FINALLY: I haven't written anything creatively in like, years so I am a little rusty. I'm working on it and I'm really excited but this first chapter is a little rusty because I am still finding my footing. Please be patient.  
_**

* * *

"Mom, I told you the soonest I could come is March and even then I have boards to worry about," an exasperated April Kepner groaned into her phone as she entered the steel elevator. She'd been having this same conversation over and over again for months. Secretly she hoped that she would lose her cell signal but that had been a lost cause. Clearly she was being punished with good phone service.

"_But Alice is having her baby,"_ Karen Kepner begged_. "And I would just love to get the whole family together before the summer."_ Why her mother was trying to get her to visit freezing, Podunk Ohio in the week after Christmas she had no idea. She knew her parents loved and missed her but ever since she left Moline they were constantly worried about her, to the point it was almost offensive.

April couldn't help but roll her eyes. It wasn't that she didn't want to see her family, she really did. But all her mother's pleas and protests did was made her feel guilty for not being able to take time off.

And to be honest, if there was ever a day she wanted to be in Ohio instead of Washington, it was today. In Ohio no one knew about Jackson and Stephanie. In Ohio she wouldn't have had to plaster on a brave face because the hardcore surgeons around her were staring at how weak and limited she was. "I'm sorry, I just can't. The holidays are insane around here."

_"Well do you at least have anyone keeping you company up there?"_ Her mom asked intently, causing April to whimper imperceptibly. "_You don't sound like you're feeling well."_

"I'm fine," April lied, choosing not to answer her mom's previous question. "I'm just tired." And she was tired. Ever since Bailey's wedding, she'd been hard pressed for sleep. She supposed it was the risk you ran when you set up your ex-sex friend with an intern. She didn't even know why she was surprised. Jackson was too attractive for words and had never been the patron saint of celibacy. It was almost insulting that she hadn't seen this coming a mile away.

She assumed it had partially been hope. April had been known to cling to lost causes in the past and though it was uncomfortable to admit, this probably wasn't any different. While he had meant to the world to her, it didn't seem like he was terribly concerned about her. That was probably karma or something, in retrospect she did recognize that there were times she could have been more sensitive towards Jackson's feelings.

And after all the promises he had made to her, she had still believed that maybe they stood a chance. When she spoke them in her head, their issues seemed so small and simple. He had been ready for more and she hadn't been so he broke up with her. It didn't seem like some impenetrable, gaping chasm that stood between her and her best friend, it seemed like a little lover's quarrel that could easily be repaired by the right, honest words.

And she'd been willing to say them, she had even gone to find at that awful quasi-reception so she could tell him just how much he meant to her. Thankfully she'd been stopped by the image of Jackson mounting an intern. While it was brutal, it had saved her from doing the most humiliating thing possible in the name of reconciliation. She was an irremediable idiot, she was sure of it.

She had actually been about to tell him she loved him. She groaned to herself, seeing what a terrible idea that had been. She didn't love him; she was lonely and missed the attention. She couldn't possibly love him, not when he was so contrary to all the things she ultimately wanted. She fought to force the thoughts from her mind, all they did was hurt.

_"How's the erm...project?"_ Her mom asked delicately. April couldn't help but cringe in irrepressible embarrassment. If anyone in Seattle had known that her entire family was in on Operation Revirginize, she positively would have died.

"It's going fine Mom, I can't really talk now. I should go. Bye" She hung up the phone before her mother could say anything else. She really didn't want to talk about her 'project'. Not when it had gone so torrentially wrong.

April hadn't intended to tell her family about Jackson, she really didn't. But one night the stress of defeat hit critical mass and all of the feelings she had carefully repressed had come bubbling over and she couldn't take it back no matter how badly she wanted it to. Standing up at the dinner table and declaring that God abandoned her because she slept with her coworker would never be what April Kepner considered to be her finest moment. To her ultimate relief, her family had been very supportive and assured her that there was forgiveness in all things, but it still was an experience she could have done without. Since then it had mostly gone unmentioned except for the occasional reminder that God loved her regardless of her missteps.

That had been part of the problem with her relationship, if you could even call it that, with Jackson. Here her family was praying that she'd be able to find her way to more stable ground and truly come unto Christ and she was constantly giving into temptation. Her family had always strongly believed in the power of redemption and forgiveness, but April had begun to wonder what the point of it all was. She hadn't been able to change, not really.

She had come back to Seattle Grace with all of these goals and plans to make her life more beautiful and full of strength than she had ever dreamed. In her time back home, she had felt that God had big plans for her and that she would be able to really make a difference this time around. But now standing at the tail-end of Bailey's wedding that wasn't, all she had done in the last few months was muddy waters that had previously been clear.

After finding out about Jackson and Stephanie, she had sobbed. It was pathetic, she was well aware of it. Luckily no one had been around for that except for Karev.

She did however feel a little petty for telling Alex about what she saw. Well, she had more shouted it at him, but still. Everyone knew about it and it was all her fault.

And ever since she'd been alternating between two extremes; on one end she knew that she'd been the one to push Jackson away and that he'd done nothing wrong, on the other she was ready to punch someone in the face. She couldn't even begin to explain how confused that made her.

She was angry at herself for letting Jackson go, but she was even angrier at Jackson for going willingly. It was completely maddening. She knew her hatred was baseless but it didn't change the way she felt. Whether she deserved it or not, he had broken her heart. And she simply wasn't big enough for that to not mean anything.

As she heard the ding indicating she was on the right floor, she forced herself to be brave. She'd be defiant or rude if she had to, but she wouldn't be weak today. Not when she'd spent the entire weekend watching old Jimmy Stewart movies and sporadically crying. It was time to act like an adult no matter how foreign it felt. Saying a silent prayer, she forced herself to face the day.

Stepping out of the elevator, April willed herself to be invisible. She was sure that the day would go more smoothly if she kept her head down and did her job. However, to April's ultimate dismay, she was spotted immediately. For as soon as she was within eyesight of the nurse's station, Meredith and Cristina were staring at her as if they were waiting for her to fall apart.

April put on her strongest front, hoping that it would be enough, "Morning." She approached the station as if she had nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe if she just acted like she didn't know no one would say anything.

"So what's the plan?" Meredith asked abruptly, shattering the red-headed doctor's meager wishes.

"What plan?" April asked disinterestedly as she suddenly started surveying her nails. She knew she was fooling no one but she really was out of options. Today she had to pretend she was fine or she would never be able to respect herself.

"To get back at Avery," Cristina prodded. April fought to not roll her eyes, she wasn't oblivious. She and Cristina were only friends by the very barest of definitions. The fact that Yang thought that she had any input in her life was almost insulting.

"Why would I need to get back at Jackson?" April asked in feigned ignorance. The truth was she was ready to stab him with a scalpel but she didn't particularly want to admit that. Especially not to people who already were well aware of the fact she was a little crazy.

"Come on," Meredith declared adamantly. "You've had to have heard the rumors about Jackson and the intern."

"Everyone is talking about them," Cristina added causing April to grimace. It was one thing for her to know, but the fact that Jackson hadn't even been cognizant enough to keep the whole situation private hurt her a little more than she would've predicted. She knew that everyone would know about it eventually, it was Seattle-Grace Mercy-West after all. But the fact that if she hadn't seen them with her own two eyes she would have been ambushed with the knowledge at work bothered her. He could do whatever he liked but it didn't stop her from having to help pay the price.

"Yeah, I've heard them," April shrugged nonchalantly as she gladly grabbed a chart out of a passing intern's hand and gave it a look. She welcomed any distraction from the fallout of her matchmaking scheme gone wrong. Her only cause of satisfaction was the fact that no one knew that she had been about to tell him she loved him. If they did, she'd never be able to live it down.

"Well, what're you going to do about it?" Meredith asked excitedly.

"Why do I have to do anything about it?" April kept her eyes on the chart still, despite the fact that she couldn't tell what it actually said. Her eyes skimmed it over and over again but instead of looking like words it just looked like strange markings. She instantly grew furious with herself. She was supposed to be practicing medicine today and she couldn't even put her emotional life to rest long enough to read a chart. She was a sad excuse for a surgeon.

"Because he's an ass," Cristina informed obviously. April was actually starting to be a little touched that the cardio fellow was taking her side. She'd always gotten the impression that Yang liked Jackson better. However if she showed any of this sentimentality Cristina would probably just berate her to compensate so April kept it to herself.

"Whatever, I set them up," April reasoned."It's fine. He was going to start dating someone sometime; I guess it might as well be now."

At least, that was how she was trying to see it. This wasn't just Jackson getting drunk and deciding to screw the next girl he saw. He'd spent time with Stephanie, well granted, it was only a couple of hours, but still he gone into it with his eyes wide open. He'd made a choice to move on. He wasn't getting back at her or even missing her, he was doing just fine in the aftermath of their breakup. April didn't know why she'd been concerned to begin with. Of course whatever feelings Jackson had had for her had been fleeting; she'd been an idiot to think otherwise.

"You are such a liar," Meredith challenged openly before looking to her best friend. "You're not fine. There is no way that April Kepner is fine with being just another notch on Jackson Avery's bed post." It was like April wasn't even there at that point. Hell, even April wished she wasn't there.

"She's right, you're not fine," Cristina agreed. "There's literally no way you don't have feelings about this."

"Once you find your person, well, your man person," Meredith amended to comply with own dependence on Cristina. "There's no way not to have feelings about them having sex with someone else."

"Who said Jackson was my man person?" April deflected uneasily; she forced her eyes to stay on the chart, hoping that it would convey some kind of disinterest-disinterest that was completely faked to be honest because internally she was friggin' dying. "He moved on. If he was my person..." She fought to control her breathing. The truth was, no matter what she told Meredith and Cristina, this hurt a lot. She didn't know how she was supposed to go on from this point and just be fine. She'd trusted Jackson, and in turn he proved that she really hadn't meant all that much to him. The truth stung. She collected her thoughts and finally looked up, putting on a brave smile.

"If he was my person he wouldn't have slept with Stephanie. My person wouldn't do that."

"He's a man," Cristina defended, "Men sleep with people. Actually, everyone sleeps with people other than you."

April gave Cristina a small smile, knowing that Cristina wasn't without a stake in this. While she'd tried to ignore them, April had heard the rumors that had flooded the hospital about Yang and Hunt, that Cristina's abortion hadn't been the pair's only problem. She was glad that they were working things out, people deserved to be with people who loved them. It was as simple as that.

But Jackson hadn't betrayed her, like Owen had Cristina. Jackson had just decided that whatever they shared didn't mean anything as shown by his level of loyalty. The fact that she'd given him her virginity hadn't meant enough to him to stop him from screwing the intern within weeks of their breakup. The simple knowledge that he was doing so much better than she was in the face of the decimation of everything they could be definitely ate at her. She always knew she overestimated the good in people, she just never dreamed that she'd do the same with him.

She didn't blame him, not really. Not when she'd been such a mess the entire time they had been 'dating' or whatever they'd been doing. But she still had expected more out of him and she'd been wrong.

"If Jackson understood me, he would understand what sex means to me. It's a big deal to me. And the fact that he can just throw sex around after knowing how I feel about it means he doesn't care. I make a lot of stupid decisions but I'm not going to just stick around while he doesn't care," April explained with a forced sense of calm. Internally, she was boiling over. Part of her wanted to kick Stephanie Edward's ass and the rest of her wanted to make sure she never spoke to Jackson again as long as she lived. She knew it probably wasn't rational, that in the eyes of anyone outside of the situation they hadn't done anything wrong. But April knew Jackson well enough to know that that he was fully aware of what he was doing. He knew the door he was shutting with her and he'd done it anyway. "He isn't my person."

She should have known that he was just like every other guy; all he cared about was sex. She'd given him the benefit of the doubt and he'd proven to her that he didn't deserve it.

April watched as both the other doctors mulled it over in their minds. After a moment, both nodded in what seemed like agreement for which April was thankful. She didn't have the time or inclination to prove to people that she was going to be okay. She already had a hard time believing it, there was no way that she'd be able to convince anyone else.

"Whatever you say," Meredith conceded. "But I think that you're being stubborn."

April merely shrugged. "It's not stubbornness, I am just calling it what it is."

"I personally prefer angry, bad-ass Kepner," Cristina mentioned conversationally. "She's actually kind of fun."

"Well then you're in luck," April said, finally slamming down the unread chart. "Because I really don't think she's going anywhere anytime soon."

* * *

_"Who the hell made the lights so fucking bright?"_ Jackson thought to himself as he entered the hospital. His head was killing him, but he figured he should have counted the bender he'd been on this weekend to do that to him.

Ever since that stupid wedding he'd been drinking. He felt like such an ass. He prided himself on being a good guy, and yet he had broken his rule about interns.

It was the power disparity that troubled him really. Though he wasn't the type to punish people, especially in a work setting, it bothered him that he could make Edward's life a living hell if he wanted to. He wouldn't of course, but he was still her superior and he should have known better.

And then there was April.

He wasn't even sure how he wanted to approach that chaos. On the one hand, whatever unclear entity they had been was now finished, but he still didn't feel right about how things had gone down. His mother had taught him to be a gentleman and he was pretty sure parading Stephanie in front of his best friend, partly because he wanted to get a reaction out of her, was far from chivalrous.

He'd thought the idea of bringing dates was completely ridiculous from the moment she had brought it up. For one thing it was completely unnecessary because they both had (albeit weak) will power. Secondly, if he were going to be honest with himself, he hadn't hated the idea of being with April at that wedding.

Jackson, for all his faults, knew April Kepner better than anyone. He knew that weddings turned her into a little bit of a mess, but he kind of loved that about her. He'd been looking forward to seeing the real April behind the carefully crafted armor she'd worn ever since she'd come back from Moline.

He cared so deeply for her, but honestly, she hadn't been the same when she came back. He'd grown to have feelings for her despite of it, but he had always been waiting for her to just let him in for real. He had felt like they were always on the brink of something really good but April wouldn't let them get there. He'd actually resented her a little for it.

Had he wanted to take a date, he would have. He didn't want to be cocky or anything but he was an attractive guy, it wouldn't have been that difficult. He had literally not wanted a date. But it was April asking and her shoulders were going to be naked and he always did like her shoulders. If it had been anyone else he would have told them no but April always got what she wanted from him, even before San Francisco.

But then she'd given him the intern that he knew liked how he looked. And he felt a little insulted. He'd thought that he'd gotten through to her that he wasn't a dessert or a car-crash, but apparently that didn't stop her from thinking that he was something that could just be gifted at her convenience. He felt like a gift-card to best buy or something.

He'd picked Shane because he knew that Ross would keep his hands to himself. He wasn't ashamed of that; it wasn't his fault that even after he'd broken things off he still felt a little territorial over April. She'd given him her virginity, whether she liked it or not he did have some small claim on her. He didn't care if that made him a chauvinist.

And then Stephanie had gotten cleaned up and looked hot and Jackson felt vindicated. He was so grateful that he liked Edwards. Though he found her interesting and good to talk to, he especially liked how pissed he could tell April was getting. She had set him up with someone he actually liked and she couldn't stand it. He felt like she had got what was coming to her for playing with fire.

He'd felt almost high after the experience. There was something about finally fighting back against all the shit life had dealt him lately felt amazing. He knew that it was probably irresponsible and maladaptive, but he hadn't cared because it was the first time in recent memory that he was doing something simply because he wanted to without regard to anyone else.

But then in the car he'd let things get out of hand and he was hard pressed to think of a way to make it all better. He'd felt like such a tool after. He'd liked Stephanie, honestly he did. But things wouldn't have gotten that far if he hadn't had that added thrill of getting back at April for not wanting him.

And now, three days later he was just an asshole with a hangover and hospital full of women who would soon hate him. He suddenly felt like Karev.

He stepped into the elevator, pushing the button for his floor as he groaned to himself. He knew he should have cut himself off on Sunday night but by then he hadn't been sober for days and had easily justified a few more rounds.

Jackson soon heard a nervous tapping and turned around to see Shane Ross clutching a few charts to him. Jackson gave a well-meaning smile but Shane just shook his head.

"So Ross, have you seen Dr. Kepner anywhere?" Jackson asked finally in attempt to break the silence.

"You've got to be kidding me," Ross muttered to himself before plastering on a smile. If Dr. Avery weren't his boss, he'd punch the guy in the mouth. "I haven't seen her, sir."

"Dr. Ross, do we have a problem?" Jackson inquired as he clenched his fist, itching a little for a fight. It wasn't his best trait, but when everything became too much for him to handle lashing out seemed to make him feel better. Beating the shit out of Karev had basically single-handedly gotten him through the aftermath of the shooting. Well, that and his burgeoning relationship with Lexie but he tried not to think about that.

Lexie Grey had been a wonderful distraction, but when it came down to it she'd been using him to run away from the big decisions she hadn't been ready to make and he'd really only been interested in being with someone who tried to understand him. It hadn't mattered that she never really did.

"No sir," Ross bit out, to his credit not backing down. Before the intern could say anything else the doors to the elevator sprung open and Shane practically rushed out, Jackson quickly following.

He wanted nothing more than to be invisible. He knew it wasn't logical of course. He was now an attending that was relatively sought after by residents and interns and even before that he'd never had a shortage of attention. But now was different. He was big ol' human train wreck now; everyone would be stopping to survey the damage.

He'd hoped that no one would find out about his car time with Edwards, but if the way that Ross had looked at him in the elevator was any indication, the whole hospital already knew.

He prayed to God that April hadn't heard the rumors; he didn't trust her to take them well. He knew that it may be deceptive, but a profound part of him wished that April never found out.

For all of his pushing back at the wedding, he really didn't want to lose April as a friend. He'd been reckless with Stephanie, assuming that April wouldn't hold it against him but now in the light of day it was seeming all the more implausible.

Though she was one of the kindest, most caring people he knew, it could not be said that April Kepner didn't have a temper. His only choice was to find out how much she knew and then do the best he could to fix it.

He scoured the surgical floor for any sign of April or Edwards, having mixed feelings when he saw only nurses. He figured it was good that he had more time to figure out what to say to April if she did in fact know. And then there was the simple truth that he didn't particularly want to admit: He didn't want to see Stephanie Edwards.

Their time together had been good; he had no complaints about it physically. Quite honestly he'd forgotten how nice it was to be with someone who wanted to be having sex with him. Though she was the best he ever had, sex with April had always had something held back, like they both knew that she'd regret it in twenty minutes so they couldn't give all of themselves.

That hadn't been the case with Edwards. His time with her, though forbidden, had been fun and all-consuming. He actually kind of liked that she'd been more enthusiastic than April ever had. However, it had also been emotionally empty. He could like Stephanie, he'd admit that. But that was it, he liked Stephanie. She was hot and fun to talk to and they'd gotten along really well and she'd turned him on but that was all. There was nothing cosmic or lasting about it, they had just gotten along and cemented it physically.

Stephanie wasn't the girl he'd spent the weekend drinking away the memories of.

Maybe had he spent more time with her before, he'd be able to trigger stronger feelings for the intern than just moderate endearment but because of what they had done.

It reminded him of his night with Mara Keaton. He'd liked her, he'd been attracted to her but when push came to shove, he hadn't called her after because she hadn't meant anything.

But then it had all hit him, all the feelings of betrayal and self-loathing. He hated that he missed April after it was all said and done, it made him feel like a jerk. Honestly, he now understood April better than ever before because it had taken all of his will-power not to tell Edwards how big of an idiot he was after the act.

When he and April had hooked up that first time, it was like his world had shifted. One moment they'd been standing at her door and the next his universe had careened out-of-place. He no longer recognized himself or his life after. It had really been a complete game changer. And if he was honest with himself, he hadn't minded.

The moments before April had ignored him and then told him all about her love of Jesus had been full of possibility. He'd thought up all kinds of ways that they could somehow be with each other again and again. Had he not found his mom with Webber, he was absolutely certain that no one could have paid to get the smirk off his face.

And when he'd thought that April was pregnant and had contemplated a life with her, he'd found faith in himself that would have otherwise gone dormant. Jackson had finally thought that maybe things happened for a reason, that just maybe he'd been wrong about the soul mates thing because a life with April sounded so indescribably good. He had been certain of it, the life that they would life together because something that had felt so good-so right- couldn't possibly be bad.

His relationship with April had proven fruitless, but it had definitely changed his views a bit and his next serious relationship he wanted to be with someone who literally shifted his world. He'd forgotten that in the heat of the moment but it was the truth.

And he knew girls like Edwards, they used sex as an initiator but they wouldn't let it stay that way for long. She'd want more than to be his warm body and he couldn't offer that to her. It made him feel like a complete ass.

Though there wasn't a day that passed that Jackson didn't wish Mark Sloan was still alive, today had proven especially difficult. If his mentor had been here, he would have known what to tell Jackson, God knows that Mark had been in that place before.

After what felt like an eternity, Jackson forced himself to get to work. He only had a few hours before he had a breast augmentation and he wanted to put in some time in the burn clinic. He could really use feeling like had something to offer humanity.

A little over an hour later, Jackson found himself with nothing to do. That was supposed to be a perk of a relatively plush specialty but instead he found it maddening. Finally in an attempt to put himself out of his misery, he decided to try to find his best friend.

The anticipation of whether or not April had heard was killing him. Realistically he knew that he could just man up and tell her himself but as weak as it sounded, he didn't want to.

He couldn't find April anywhere and it was driving him crazy. He'd checked the OR board and the attendings' lounge. He'd even taken to waiting outside of on-call rooms but all that yielded was witnessing a few too many couples walking out red-faced and their hair all over.

Finally deciding that his creativity was shot, he approached Yang who was busy charting. Meredith was nearby but he had more faith the Cristina wouldn't see through his shameless inquires.

Though they had never been close, he'd always liked Cristina. He appreciated the drive he saw in her, however he was eternally grateful that she'd shot him down when he'd tried to make a move on her. They would have been the worst couple in the world, he was sure of it.

"Yang," he called happily, not quite liking when she looked up but said nothing. He tried to not think too much of it as Yang was never what anyone would call friendly.

"Hey, have you seen April?" He asked, feigning indifference as he stood next to her. He knew that Cristina wasn't buying it when her eyebrow arched in disbelief.

"You can't be serious," she said in response, shaking her head incredulously.

"I have a consult that I need her help on," Jackson lied easily but it did nothing to move the cardio fellow. He wasn't going to put his cards on the table quite yet, not when he was trying to figure out where they stood.

"Mer," Cristina called across the station. "Avery wants to know where Kepner is." He didn't like her tone, as if she were somehow joking.

"Seriously?" Meredith asked interestedly before setting her gaze on Jackson. He could feel himself being surveyed and found that he didn't much care for it. He gave her a small, tentative smile that received an ice-cold glare in response. "Seriously, asshole."

"What?" Jackson asked indignantly causing both women to roll their eyes. Finally breaking, he pinched the bridge of his nose, hoping that it would relieve some of the tension in his forehead. "Look, does April know?"

"Yeah, she knows," Cristina replied bluntly.

"And she's pissed," Meredith added. "Well, she won't admit it, but she is. You're an ass. She was a virgin!"

"Hey, I thought we got past that. April's a grown adult, she made a choice," Jackson defended for what felt like the millionth time. "And she set me up with the intern."

"You are still an ass," Meredith declared angrily.

"You are an ass," Cristina agreed.

"You don't even like April," Jackson countered in annoyance. He was fine with Meredith giving him grief, but he honestly had expected Yang to be on his side. They'd freaking saved Sheppard together.

"Well right now she likes you even less," Meredith interrupted. "And if you have to know April is down in peds doing a consult. Asshole."

* * *

"Seriously Kepner, pull the stick out of your ass and just get over it," Alex said finally while leaving the exam room. April fought the desire to roll her eyes for the billionth time. Today she was getting all sorts of unsolicited advice from people who didn't even like her.

She'd just spent the last two hours with Karev telling her to stop being a baby. She thought it was a bit rich coming from the dude who had acted like a complete child about being set up with an intern but she wasn't going to point that out.

"There's nothing to get over," April reiterated. "Jackson can do whatever he wants."

"See, this is why you're still single," Karev claimed definitively. "You do all the passive aggressive girl shit that guys hate. No wonder you drive them crazy. Really, just get over it."

"Nothing to get over," April snapped. "Seriously Alex, stop talking before I go all Ohio farm girl on your ass."

"Is that a thing?" Alex asked with moderate interest. Kepner didn't often intrigue him, but that last bit actually sounded a little porny.

"I bailed hay every day from the age of six to eighteen. I've wrestled pigs, I promise you, it's a thing."

"Whatever," he shrugged. "Look, I need something from you."

"And I should help you out because you were so insanely helpful today? No thank you." April bit out in annoyance.

"Oh hey," Alex called agitatedly. "Don't be like that. You owe me."

"Ugh, by what logic?"

"You ruin everything," Karev tried antagonistically.

"Haha," April deadpanned. "Try again." She knew that deep down Alex didn't hate her as much as he swore he did, but the pediatric surgeon still managed to piss her off like none other.

"I haven't told anyone that you were the one to walk in on Avery," Alex revealed, causing April to wince at the memory. "I can tell everyone how you cried."

"Have I ever told you I hate you?" April gritted out pointedly as she clenched her fists. She forced herself to take a few calming breaths in the interest of retaining her fleeting sense of calm. "Fine, what is my blackmail, and is this going to be chronic thing?"

Alex shook his head. "I just need you to cover the pit for me tonight. After that we're solid."

"Fine," April agreed, knowing that she got off pretty easy for having shared a difficult moment with Satan. She really could have picked anyone else in that reception and they would have been a better confidant.

"Awesome," Alex grinned before walking away. "And look alive Kepner."

"What?" She turned around to ask before seeing a cause for panic. She quickly looked for anything that she could hide behind before finding such efforts futile.

In the surprise of the moment, April hadn't noticed Jackson walking towards her. She couldn't explain the rush of adrenaline that had coursed through her but as if on autopilot, her body took off as quickly as possible in the opposite direction. She knew that he'd saw her, but she reasoned if she hurried fast enough she could come up with a plausible excuse later.

"April," Jackson called, spinning around quickly enough to grab her wrist and root her in place. He'd been meaning to talk with her about the wedding, though he had no idea what to say. Though he normally was fairly eloquent, all of the rehearsed statements had sounded bad in even his mind. His indiscretion was so big relationally to him and April, but why was completely vague. They'd agreed to be friends and had practically admitted that barring the sex they'd never been anything more. April had even set him up with Stephanie.

He supposed that despite innocence on paper, they whole situation with built on shaky ground. Like everything since that fateful night before boards, the careful détente they'd silently agreed to was always a breath away from crumbling.

But he knew he had to say something. He wanted to say something. Even though they weren't anything anymore, he hadn't meant for her to find out through the hospital grapevine.

April took a minute to regain her composure. Her plan had really been to avoid Jackson today and that had barely lasted an hour. She was fairly certain God was punishing her, she wasn't sure for what yet because he'd already punished her for the sex stuff, but whatever it was, it had to be bad. Finally deciding that she'd kept her back to him long enough, she slowly turned around. "Oh hey Jackson, I didn't see you there."

She was relatively mollified when she saw no hint of doubt in his practically perfect features.

Jackson cleared his throat uncomfortably and shoved his hands into his pockets. Now that he was in the moment he suddenly realized that this was probably a mistake. April's favorite way of dealing with anything remotely difficult was pretending it never happened and so he wouldn't be getting much out of her. And he still wasn't sure how he was supposed to tell her that he wasn't sorry for what he had done but that she'd found out about it. "April, listen, I…"

"I've heard Jackson," April interrupted in a blur. She was sure that she was about to get some perfect, articulate apology or plea for understanding and she couldn't bear it. The honest, cold truth was that she had no reason to be upset because whether she'd known it or not, she'd chosen the way that things would work out.

It was childish, but now that he was going to be happy with someone else she wanted nothing more than for everyone to forget, including him, that they had ever been anything more than they currently were.

"I know, and…" he began lamely but she interrupted him again.

"It's not a big deal, Jackson. You really don't have to explain anything to me." She did her best to look nonthreatening. Whatever residual feelings there were, they were her problem and she was determined to deal with them head on. He'd made a choice but at this point it really wasn't any of her business.

"Oh okay," Jackson nodded. He hadn't thought that she'd make it this easy. The real surprise though was the knot in his stomach that developed when she said she didn't care. He wasn't sure why it bothered him but he didn't like it. "You're not upset?"

"Oh no," April waved away, "We're fine. We're good. You are totally fine to do whatever you want with whomever. We are good. I don't care in the slightest, not at all. We're good." She took it as a good sign that Jackson seemed to believe her despite the fact that she'd been stammering and was by nature a fairly unconvincing liar.

"I just don't want this hurting our friendship," Jackson said concernedly. He ran a tired hand across the scruff of his face and for some reason it filled April with a sense of longing. She shook her head in hopes that it would dissipate the more colorful mental images, but to no avail.

"It won't," April stated, unsure of where the truth stood anymore. For all her big talk on never wanting to see him again, she had missed him terribly today. It killed her that she was trying to find the least invasive way to cut Jackson life. And she knew realistically that she'd never be able to, he was way too big of a part of it. He was Jackson Avery; he was her best (and arguably only) friend in the entire state. In the carefully crafted mental pro/con list, she knew that he had given her way more than he had taken away.

She suspected that all she needed was a little bit of time. That if she just went for enough runs and meditated sufficiently that all the bile that had been corroding her soul would eventually disappear. She was a Christian and that was the basis of forgiveness, after all.

"Okay, great," Jackson smiled in tentative relief. He still wasn't quite sure if she was being honest with him, but he didn't trust April to tell him the truth even if he pried. But in the end he was grateful she was talking to him at all. He half-expected for her to punch him like she had that douche in San Francisco. "Want to get a drink later?" He knew this was probably a stretch and wishful thinking but he figured it was worth a shot. It's not like he could ruin their camaraderie more than they already had.

"Ugh, I actually have to work the pit tonight." That wasn't a lie, but it would have been had April literally not been asked fifteen minutes before. In any case, she might have made up her mind to get over all the bullshit they had put each other through but she still wasn't ready to be around him.

He'd been right that day in the attendings' lounge; they really needed to stay away from each other. She should have just walked away, but instead she'd kissed him and crushed her heart in the process.

"Oh," she could tell from his voice he was disappointed, but she adeptly pushed the guilt away. She really did have to work; she wasn't avoiding him—yet. "Well maybe sometime this weekend."

"Yeah, we'll see," April dismissed, shifting her weight uncomfortably. "Look, I have a surgery to get into so—"

"Oh okay," the pair stood awkwardly for a moment before April finally gave a small wave and turned on her feet and started to walk. Without looking back, she marched until she was sure she was out of his line of sight, then breaking into a run. She had to get out of there.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Author's note: Wow! Thank you all so much for reading, reviewing, alerting, favoriting or even glimpsing at my story. You guys rock!_**

**_This was supposed to be up yesterday, but then I got a nice case of the stomach flu from my nephew and the idea of doing anything other than sleeping did not appeal to me. However, 12 hours of sleep does wonders people. I can't say this enough. I woke up to a beautiful day where the world did not end and Tate Stevens won X Factor.  
_**

**_Also, my medical knowledge is feeble at best. So yes, the writing is pretty sketchy there. Just suspend your disbelief if possible.  
_**

**_I still don't own anything_**

**_OH, and just so you know. This little story o' mine will be updated primarily on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I only promise one update a week, if you get the second one then that's just a bonus.  
_**

* * *

April nervously tapped the counter as she waited for the lab results to come in. She was without an intern today, for which she was partially relieved. Though it would be nice to have an extra set of hands, she certainly didn't want to work with Edwards yet. Shane was predictably her favorite but ever since the tense car ride following the awkward pseudo-reception he'd been looking at her like she was about to fall apart. He'd also taken it upon himself to remind her daily that she was going to be fine, which was always followed by a pat on the back.

And while it was sweet that he was looking out for her, she was still his boss and it was embarrassing.

Honestly, she knew she was blessed to have people who cared about her but it was a little insulting that none of them had faith in her to hold it together. Each and every one of her sister's had been hounding her since Jackson had broken things off to tell them everything she was feeling. But after a few phone calls where they'd discussed the matter ad nauseam had left April feeling off her axis.

And then after the wedding, she had only dared to tell Kimmy about Jackson and Stephanie. She'd never been able to keep much from her younger sister as they had always been very close. And as much as Kimmy tried to understand, even she had expressed concern that April was giving Jackson power in her life when she didn't have to.

Her sister's point had been that while it was always good to keep peace when possible, there was no actual merit in staying friends with someone who hurts you. Her sister had insisted that the proximity to Jackson wouldn't be helpful. It was actually a little colorful.

_"You're giving him a free pass because you don't want to see what life is like without him in it." Kimmy insisted protectively._

_"I can't help it," April sighed defeated. "He's my best friend."_

_"Not true, you're heart is like a remora, it attaches to whatever viable life form it can to fit its survival. Find another shark, April. It is in your best interest to find yourself another shark."_

_"Um...what?" April asked in confusion._

_"Okay fine we're cleaning off our DVR and we still had some 'Shark Week', don't judge," Kimmy rambled. "What I mean is that you don't fall in love-"_

_"I'm not in love," April interrupted. "We've talked about this; I have tiny, unimportant feelings."_

_"Fine, you don't have 'tiny, unimportant feelings'," Kimmy corrected skeptically, "for someone you never see or let yourself get close to. It's a proximal thing. They say that the number one indicator of whether a couple will wed is proximity. There are a dozen guys out there that you could have fun with and would be better for you that you aren't seeing because you're still trying to salvage something with Jackson, your shark if you will."_

_"He isn't a shark. He actually doesn't like to be compared to stuff," April argued as she remembered his feelings toward being called a dessert. Honestly he'd been a little dramatic but she could see that maybe she'd treated him poorly. "What makes you think that I'm trying to salvage something with Jackson? I set him up, remember?"_

_"April, sweetheart, we both know that had you really wanted to you could have found your own date to that wedding," Kimmy maintained. "You set him up because you wanted him to move on, not you."_

_"Where are you even getting this stuff?" April pretended to be outraged although she felt something akin to understanding in Kimmy's words. "There's nothing to move on from."_

_"So you keep saying," Kimmy commented. "I just want you to be happy."_

_"And seriously, do you have any other animal kingdom tidbits before I hang up on you?"_

_"Dolphins are one of the only other animal species who have sex for pleasure," her sister informed brightly. "You're welcome."_

Everyone around her was so quick to assign blame to Jackson that she was always stuck defending him and why they were still friends. While she was hurt, the logical part of her mind knew that he had technically done nothing wrong. She wasn't going to sacrifice her friendship with him over her own inability to accept how things really were.

She'd made choices too.

Really, it had been a joke that she'd ever thought she'd be enough for Jackson Avery. Granted it had just been for a brief moment, but honestly the whole affair had been ill-advised.

While it couldn't be said that they hadn't spoken in the past week, it was all a little tense. As much as she was determined to just let it go, Cristina and Meredith had made it almost impossible to let the issue lie. Anytime she and Jackson were within fifty feet of each other, the twisted sisters made it their mission to shoot him the evil eye.

It made sense a little, after she'd asked them to explain it. Both of them had fairly tumultuous love-lives, even after marriage and so they were a little in awe of how new she was to all of this. Apparently because Jackson's past was a little more checkered in that area, Cristina and Meredith had expected him to go easy on April. Though it was almost a little patronizing, they both maintained that they'd kill him if he ruined sex for April.

Luckily they had both started to cool down and it wouldn't be long before they were both back to worrying about their own lives.

"Dr. Kepner," the lab tech greeted, pulling her from her thoughts. She was immensely grateful for that as she'd been over-thinking everything lately. "The biopsy showed that the mole was benign." He then handed her the chart which she looked over, everything seemed good.

"Wonderful," April sighed in relief as she turned to head back to work. It was another lumps and bumps day, but she was determined to make the best of it. After all, Jackson would definitely be otherwise occupied. While she'd promised herself that she would get over the resentment she harbored in the name of their friendship, it wasn't quite as easy as she thought.

Though she was normally the natural proponent for burying the whole affair, she'd be lying she said that it hadn't completely changed her into someone she barely recognized. Now that the dust had settled a little, she was left wondering how they'd gotten to this point. The heady rush of being with Jackson had brought a lot of excitement to her life, but a lot of confusion as well.

Part of her wished she'd been more invested in making memories with Jackson. But it had all happened so fast and so powerfully that she never had the time to realize how badly she'd miss it when it was gone.

Honestly, she knew it was petty but she needed some more time before she started making an effort to get back to the way things were.

As she approached the crammed waiting room, she felt a rough hand grab her wrist and lead her in the opposite direction. She was surprised to see Dr. Hunt, but she learned not to question it.

"We need all hands on deck Kepner," he said as he let go of her arm once he'd pulled her into the stairwell. "I was just about to page you."

"Why sir?" She asked in concern.

"A car crash a few miles from here. It got really ugly, according to the news. We need you in Trauma."

"Oh, okay," April muttered, trying to fight the nerves. While many of her fellow surgeons eventually got used to lives hanging in their hands, she never had. She really believed that it made her a better doctor. She would always take death hard and she was alright with that. Once she got her hands dirty, she always could shut out the voices of doubt and fear and let her instincts take control but the heavy moments before would always incite some kind of panic.

At the end of the day though she was a surgeon and a professional, all the fear and the outside feelings would have to wait.

* * *

Jackson ran as fast as he could to the ER, having a 911 page only moments earlier. From the moment he stepped in he could tell that the hospital was in a state of alarm. The interns were rushing around, trying to claim a case for themselves.

He'd done the same thing six years ago, now he saw just how warped surgical interns were. These were people's lives for shit's sake.

"Dr. Avery," a male paramedic he was fairly familiar with called out. "Male, late thirties, received third degree burns when a car collided into his gas tank. Emergency intubation on scene and tachycardia. His leg seems to have a complex fracture. He's been out of consciousness the since we got him into the ambulance. "

Jackson let out a low whistle. "Okay, I got this. Ross come, with me, Trauma 2, we need to prep him for surgery." he commanded after watching the intern look like a fawn witnessing complete carnage for the first time. He reasoned he wanted Ross right where he could watch him.

Just then he saw as April and Chief Hunt entered the ER with a run.

"Kepner, go help Avery," Owen assigned. She nodded and took off with a sprint.

"What do we have?" She asked as she took hold of the moving bed.

"Intubated Male, mid to late thirties, tachycardia, complex fracture and burns on about 20% of his body," Jackson replied as they pushed the man into the exam room.

"Okay, we need to stabilize him," April commanded, "Ross, start fluids now!"

"Body temp is good," Jackson called out. "He may need an escharotomy."

April nodded definitively. "We're going to need to set his leg."

As he proceeded to recheck their patient's vitals, Jackson couldn't help but realize that there was no one else he would rather face this with.

* * *

It was definitely a whirlwind but a couple of hours and an emergency skin graft later their patient was stable and as doing well as they could have expected. He'd be in the hospital for a while to recover, but April had a lot of faith that he would pull through just fine. For now though he was in a medically induced coma for the sake of helping his body adjust to the shock.

"Okay Ross, he's yours now. Check his vitals and fluids often, the next twenty-four hours are critical. And be attentive to how the antibiotic is working, the last thing he needs is an infection," April advised as she pulled off the trauma gown and gloves.

"Did you get in touch with his family?" Jackson asked as he waited for them, already having started washing his hands.

Shane nodded. "His wife is on her way, she won't be here for a while because she lives in Everett," the intern informed, not missing a chance to send Jackson a glare.

"Okay, good," Jackson replied, slightly taken aback. He really didn't understand what this guy's problem was. He had other patients scheduled, so Jackson decided that it was a good time to let Ross take over. "If anything changes-"

"You have surgery," Ross reminded bluntly as the intern turned on his faucet.

"Be sure to keep me updated with his progress," April interjected kindly . She felt a little guilty that she may or may not have bread a monster. "You can go Jackson, we've got this."

Jackson gave a feeble nod before turning off the water and leaving the OR. He gave April a second glance, hoping that she had some insight into why Shane Ross suddenly hated him, but her head was turned. It was like this a lot lately, the usual synchronization of actions that he and April used to have down pat were now discombobulated. He didn't like it. He shook it from his head and left.

"Shane what was that?" April asked after she could feel Jackson's eyes leave her. She felt him staring at her a lot lately, it made her a little uncomfortable. He'd always been able to read her fairly well but now that her thoughts were less than charitable, she really wished that he'd go back to feigning obliviousness.

"Ensuring that our patient has the best care possible," Shane replied with an easy smile as he began drying his hands.

"He's your boss, you should show a little more respect," April chastised. "You could learn a lot from Dr. Avery."

Shane nodded disinterestedly. "How are you doing today Dr. K? That must have been really difficult-"

"I like you Shane, more than I really thought possible," April interrupted, "But we will never, ever, EVER be having this conversation. Is that understood?"

"Good for you for acting so strong," he encouraged, causing April to roll her eyes. "You are going to be fine Dr. Kepner, really, there are plenty of other fish in the sea." As if necessary to avoid some kind of apocalypse, he gave a supportive tap on the back. "I'm here if you ever need anything."

"Thanks Ross," she muttered awkwardly. She did almost cry in his car. Next to Alex, Shane had received the blunt of her emotional distress when discovering Jackson and the intern, as she had taken to calling her. She really did hope that he would soon realize she could take care of herself. "Take it easy on Avery, he didn't do anything to you."

"Okay," he relented after a moment. "But I don't have to like him."

"No, you don't," April agreed. "But you do have to be professional. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some lumps to cut out." She turned towards the elevator.

"Wait, without me?" Shane called after her, hurt. April couldn't help but shake her head, Shane Ross would forever be the only intern who liked lumps and bumps duty. She'd never understand it. "Can you at least save me one?"

"There's a nasty, puss filled one," April replied over her shoulder. "Its yours if you don't kill my patient!"

* * *

Jackson groaned wearily as he pushed open the door from the attendings' locker room. The day had been insane. Along with his burn patient this morning, he'd had several other surgeries and consults scheduled that he couldn't move. While he appreciated the excitement that surgery brought into his life, he really could have done without all the unpredictability.

Despite the fact that he'd hardly planned it, and it was a little insensitive to the other man's suffering, it really had been a thrill treating that ER patient today. He'd forgotten how naturally working with April came to him. They were just linked, always anticipating one another's needs before they were even verbalized.

They always had complimented each other, he could admit that. That really had been the basis of their friendship back during internship. Even from the very beginning they did their best work together. Where medicine came naturally to him, April was nothing if not thorough. He inspired her to be innovative, and she reminded him that sometimes it was important to stick with the basics.

That was what he had appreciated in their relationship both professionally and friend wise, they had a sense of give and take that he had never felt with anyone else. April offered him a lot in way of support and encouragement where he tried to help her stay grounded when she was spiraling.

Honestly, he missed that more than he could have ever expected. While April had been nothing but friendly, there was a timidness in their interactions that was driving him crazy. He was used to coming into the hospital and her being the first person he looked for. Now he was lucky if she greeted him in passing. It was practically like they'd hit the reset button and were back to stage one.

They hadn't spoken much, not by lack of effort on his part. Every time he saw April she would say hello and then magically be off to some minor surgery or charting. He even suspected that she'd volunteered for lumps and bumps this time. It was getting ridiculous.

He assumed he was receiving his comeuppance for having broken off things. He'd ended things to salvage whatever he could of their friendship before all the hurt and complications of their sexual relationship poisoned it from within and now he wasn't sure how well it had worked. Had he continued sleeping with April, he just would have stayed frustrated about their lack of progress; she really hadn't wanted the same things he did.

And now because they'd known each other in a biblical sense, she continued to avoid him. He wasn't oblivious. They'd had an adult relationship and April couldn't handle the fallout. He didn't understand why he had to lose his best friend over it. He sincerely hoped that she just needed time and that this wouldn't be a lasting thing, he missed her terribly. He was sorry to admit it, but her friendship was one of the few functional relationships in his life. He'd always known he could count on her and now he didn't know what to expect.

As he went to open the door exiting the lounge, he bumped into the red-headed occupier of his thoughts.

"Sorry," April muttered as she shifted around him, not looking up from her cell phone.

"April," he breathed out with a smile as he continued to block her way. Even the thought of talking to her significantly brightened his day. It was some residual reflex from their brief elevation of their relationship. As if by instinct, he couldn't help but smile when he saw her only to remember that there was unnecessary strain between them.

Something akin to recognition lit up April's features and she lifted her head. "Oh hey Jackson, I didn't know it was you."

Jackson chuckled needlessly, "Well, what are you up to?"

"I was about to go change," April informed, nodding her head to the locker room that stood through the door, behind him.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," he muttered, turning sideways. She gave a grateful grin and slipped past him. He pivoted around and let the door shut behind him as he followed her. "So, how's our patient doing?"

"According to Shane his fluids are good and his vitals are strong," April informed as she rummaged through her locker to grab her clothes.

"Is he responding to the antibiotic?" Jackson asked with his brow crinkled.

"So far so good, we should be able to wake him up within the next couple of days," she finally turned around with her belongings bundled in her arms. Jackson waited for her to say something else but she just stared at him expectantly.

"Oh, right," he said, shielding his eyes and turning his back. Honestly he thought it was a little needless since he was well acquainted with every inch of April Kepner's body but he'd concede if that was what April wanted. If they truly had returned to the early stages of their camaraderie, then he had to keep in mind that there was no way April Kepner circa 2006 would let him see her in any state of undress. "So you've met with his wife?"

"Yeah, she's nice," April stated simply from behind him. "She's already started lining up physical therapists for the poor guy."

"Oh," Jackson nodded feebly, unsure of how to keep the conversation.

"Yup," April sighed. "You can turn back around now."

"Our patient," Jackson said lamely as he complied, "he lives. Good work." He cringed at himself, he'd been talking for over thirty years and that was the best he could come up with.

"Yeah," April agreed over-eagerly. She winced to herself in embarrassment. She'd never had a problem talking to Jackson before and now she couldn't formulate a decent sentence around him without a specific medical purpose. She did the only thing she could think of and raised her hands in triumph. "Yay!"

"Yay," he concurred.

"Wooh!" April said with a fist pump in the air.

"Well, good work." Jackson stated awkwardly as he offered his fist."Go team,"

"Go team!" April cheered again pathetically as she gave his waiting hand a light bump. She knew that the smile she plastered on her face had to look so forced but it was her only option. Not knowing how to escape, she grabbed her coat and bag and walked towards the door. If Jackson noticed she was trying to get away from him, he made no sign of it to April's dismay.

He held the door open for her and waited as she passed through.

"You were really great today," Jackson complimented as walked in synch with her.

"Not really," April deflected uncomfortably. "But I did have some awesome help."

"Thanks," Jackson beamed.

"Anytime," April reciprocated with a tight-lipped expression.

"Do you want to go to Joe's or something?" Jackson asked hopefully. They had done good work today with one another; actually it had practically been magic. And while today's conversation hadn't been the most helpful, it was definitely a step in the right direction.

"You know, its kind of late," April pointed out weakly. She made a show of looking at her watch which indicated that it was only eight-thirty. To his credit, Jackson barely withheld his skeptical look.

"I'll buy," Jackson offered.

"That's so sweet of you but I think I have some charts that need-" April began to ramble, waving her hand around in the general direction of the nurse's station. She was cut off by Jackson's disbelieving stare and she momentarily felt guilty. She knew she had to get over all of this eventually.

"April, come on, meet me half way here," he asked softly, lightly brushing her hair out of the collar of her jacket.

"Okay, fine. But I'll have to meet you because I have one more thing to take care of," April relented finally.

"Alright, I'll save you a seat at the bar," Jackson promised before giving her a small wave. As soon as he was out of eyesight, April sprinted through the first door she could find. She winced as she hit her elbow on what to seemed to be a steam cleaner.

Undeterred, she pulled out her phone and dialed one of the first numbers that came to her mind.

"Kimmy, I'm screwed," April blurted before her sister could even say hello.

_"I thought you were working, why are you calling me?" _Her sister asked worriedly, "_Why are you screwed?"_

"Because if I tell anyone else about this, I will never live it down and so you are really my only option," April declared honestly. "I had to work with Jackson today."

_"Wow, you sure know how to make someone feel good about themselves. Why are you whispering?"_ Kimmy asked in a hushed voice.

"Because I am in a supply closet, okay?" April bit out. "Stop asking questions!"

_"Well then, what's the big deal since you don't have feelings for him?" _April could hear the sarcasm dripping from her sister's voice and didn't appreciate it.

"Kimmy!"

_"Okay, you worked with Jackson? Haven't you had to before?"_

"Not since him screwing the intern!" April panicked, "And the working wasn't too bad but the small talk is going to kill me."

_"It couldn't have been that bad! I'm sure your just making too big of a deal about all of this." _April forced herself to not roll her eyes, despite the fact her sister couldn't see her. Kimmy was arguably her closest friend, but she never seemed to believe April when the world was falling apart.

"Kimmy, we had a cheer off," April whimpered into her phone. "We literally stood there for five minutes just cheering at each other. How do I fix that?"

_"I have no idea, that is pretty bad,"_ her sister replied with a laugh. Of course Kimmy found this funny. Kimmy was married with two kids. Kimmy had been a virgin when she got married. Granted her husband hadn't been crazy about having to be abstinent, but he'd at least gone along with it. Kimmy married the first guy she seriously dated. Kimmy never had to awkwardly interact with her ex-sex friend.

"He gave a fist bump! I gave him freaking virtue, and he gives me a fist bump!" April whispered harshly. "I'm seriously mortified here!"

_"It could be worse, he could have given you AIDS or tickets to a Nickleback concert. A fist bump is pretty good._" her sister countered lamely, causing April to roll her eyes. It was like Kimmy wasn't even trying.

"I can't even take you seriously right now," April muttered.

_"Look, I told you to stay away from him and you said that you weren't sure you could,"_ Kimmy said dispassionately. _"I don't know what you want me to tell you. Don't be alone with him if its making you miserable."_

"I can't," April admitted while biting her lip nervously.

_"Why not?" _Kimmy demanded

"I kind of agreed to have drinks with him!" April revealed with a wince. She really hoped her sister didn't shout at her. Kimmy was really scary when she shouted.

_"Son of a bitch!" _Her sister swore loudly. _"What on God's green earth would posess you to do that?"_

"I didn't want him to think I was mad at him!"

_"You are mad at him,"_ her sister dead-panned, causing April to sigh. She thought that she'd gone over this.

"No," April began to explain patiently, "its all just really awkward. I'm going to get over it. Really I'm..."

_"Going to be fine,"_ Kimmy finished. "_So you've said, a billion times. Honestly at this point its stopped sounding like words and its just like, your default noise."_

"Okay, fine I am weak. Alright? I said yes, already," April whined. "What do I do?"

_"You suck it up solider, you already told him your coming!"_

"What do I say to him? Kimmy, we cheered, you have to help me out here," April pleaded.

_"I don't know, talk about work,"_ her sister proposed.

"We already talked about that," April grimaced. It was not promising that they'd already exhausted the one thing they had in common.

_"Okay, talk about hospital gossip,"_ Kimmy pitched.

"We are the hospital gossip, guess again," April shouted before looking around her surroundings. If anyone found her, she might die of embarrassment.

"Fine, talk to him about sports."

"Ugh, I don't know the first thing about sports," April reminded her sister, wondering if Kimmy Kepner Holbrooke had even met her.

_"Well, beyond our discussion on Sharks this morning, I am all out of ideas," _Kimmy defended.

"Kimmy," April groaned nervously.

_"You are going to be okay, you just have to have a drink, say a few words and you've satisfied all expectations," _she encouraged kindly. _"Now you should get going or else he really will think you hate him. Good luck, I'm rooting for you!"_

April nodded wordlessly. Her sister always was good for a pep-talk. "I love you."

_"Love you too, now go get him tiger!"_

* * *

Nearly an hour later, April was happy to find that she'd worried needlessly.

She assumed that if she was alone with Jackson, she'd be tempted to jump his bones or something. To her pleasant surprise, she found that they could talk like they always had. Yes, it was about football where her knowledge was severely limited, but it still was a better option than sitting in silence. So far they'd talked about Urban Meyer and how Ohio had in need of a coaching change. They had also touched on the 2002 fiesta bowl when she'd been in college. She could honestly say that they'd never broached that topic before. At least the conversation had been creative.

"Notre Dame is killing it this year," Jackson said easily. Despite the relative shallowness of the conversation, it was nice to have some semblance of normalcy with April. No it wasn't the deepest conversation he'd ever had but he was glad to be without the awkward pauses and redirects that had been common for them today.

"Ohio State is good," April insisted even though she was out of her depth. "Ohio State is always good."

"Pop quiz, what's even their record?"

April racked her brain and came up with absolutely nothing. Actually, she'd been slightly impressed with herself for even knowing that it was football season at all. She remained silent for a moment before smiling guiltily.

"I rest my case," Jackson smiled. "Actually Ohio 12 and o so they actually had a pretty good season. They led the Big Ten."

"I knew it," April replied taking a confident swig of her beer. "Basketball is going, right?"

Jackson nodded. April had a slightly fuller knowledge of basketball for the very reason that her dad was a huge fan. She even filled out a March Madness bracket every year. Granted, she always predicted that Ohio would win with a smattering of other state schools doing well. He remembered early into their residency where Ohio had made it into the finals only to lose to Florida, she'd cried for hours. "Michigan's kicking Ohio's ass. 11-0 to 8-1."

"Dammit," April whined. "And this is why I'm not a sports fan."

"It's probably for the best," Jackson supplied, giving her a cheerful pat on the back.

"Why because I'm annoying to explain it all to?" April quipped, remembering the time that Jackson had taken it upon himself to explain softball to her before they'd played Seattle Pres the year before. It hadn't done much, she'd still been pretty awful to the point where she'd hardly played and understood none of the rules. Needless to say Hunt hadn't exactly be hurt when she decided to forgo playing this past fall.

"No because you act crazy," Jackson answered as he sipped his beer. He watched as April's face crumpled in outrage and fought back a smile. He hadn't said anything that wasn't true.

"I don't act crazy," an affronted April protested. She couldn't believe it. Here he was her best friend and he was telling her she was insane.

"You get combative," Jackson said, not backing down.

"That's ridiculous."

"It's like you forget that it's just a game," Jackson observed.

"This coming from the guy who acted like someone had been fatally wounded when Harvard lost to U-Conn," April muttered.

"I never said I didn't get into it, but you take it too far,"

"Really, how do I take it too far? Enlighten me."

"You just get way too angry for your own good." Jackson stated. He actually kind of liked feisty April, she was a lot of fun to watch. Though she didn't normally get mad easily, he'd remembered a handful of hilarious times when she'd tried to assert herself. Other than the Bar in San Francisco, Jackson's favorite April hulking out moment was one time when she'd threatened to kick his ass over stealing a patient from her. They'd been interns, and he was practically twice her size, but in that moment he'd believed her.

"Like shouting at that really old dude," Jackson reminisced contently.

"It was bingo, of course I shouted! I'm competitive, okay?" He had to force himself not to laugh at that statement, he totally forgot about the time April had shouted at some old man for cheating when they'd gone to the Senior Citizen's center for outreach hours that had been required at Mercy-West. Needless to say, they had not been welcomed back.

"No, not that guy," Jackson corrected. "The other guy, at that bar near Mercy-West, you guys got into it about football which you know nothing about by the way."

April let out a not-so-lady-like guffaw and folded her arms in exaggerated disbelief. "I did not shout at him, it was a mere discussion."

"You shouted at him," Jackson countered teasingly. "I'm pretty sure you told him to kiss your ass."

"He was wearing a Michigan sweatshirt, we're sworn enemies," April defended weakly.

"You don't even know the first thing about college rankings," he enjoyed the back and forth they had going.

"They're really confusing! What's with all the conferences? Seriously?" April maintained stubbornly. "And honestly, that guy wasn't that old."

"He was like, ninety."

"He was not!" April dismissed passionately. "Oh, come on! You're remembering it all wrong!"

"I'm not the one who got us kicked out the bar," Jackson playfully reminded. "You were a little worked up."

"Fine," April conceded petulantly. "I was a little out of bounds. But he was devoid of any kind of human decency."

"Did you know that was the first time I realized just how afraid of you I should be?"

"I'm not frightening! Why would you be afraid of me?"

"Because you have it in you to go completely ape-shit crazy on people," Jackson answered. "You're combative."

He watched happily as she let out a soft, blissful laugh. She really was beautiful when she wasn't being worn down by the world.

In that moment, April could finally feel it; the reassurance that no matter how difficult the journey, she couldn't keep Jackson out of her life. She grinned in satisfaction.

She forgot that she was so thankful for Jackson. Maybe it was a little sappy, but he really had been the most wonderful friend to her and he deserved a little bit of her loyalty.

But as if by divine design, her sentimentality was broken up by the ringing of the opening door. She looked over her shoulder to see some of the interns entering the bar. She didn't give much thought about it until she was the dark curls of someone she didn't like much.

"Dr. Kepner," Shane called out happily as he and Edwards approached the pair. "Can I buy you a drink?"

Jackson didn't miss the challenging glare that Ross sent him, but he chose to ignore it. He had better things to do than get into a pissing contest with an intern.

"No, I'm okay. Thanks," April called back to him as she hurried and gulped down the remainder of her drink. She blinked a few times as it burned the back of her throat but she shook it off. She was fine, she'd only nursed one beer so she knew that she'd be okay to get home.

"What is it?" Jackson asked in confusion.

"Um...I really should go," April said panicked as she rummaged through her purse for her wallet. She wanted to be friends with Jackson, but there was no way she could handle watching him with his new…well, she couldn't handle watching him with Stephanie.

"April," Jackson tried to placate but she just waved her hand in dismissal.

"It's late Jackson and I have to work tomorrow," She stated wearily. "I had a lot of fun though, have a great night." She muttered while grabbing her coat and throwing a few bills on the bar. Before he could say another word she was heading out the door.

He took a slow, deliberate sip of his beer. He didn't understand what her problem was. She had been the one to set him up. Why would she have done that if she hadn't wanted him to like the girl she had hand-picked for him?

However, he didn't have time to belay the point because within moments the seat where April had been sitting was filled. He watched as Stephanie nervously played with the napkin that April had left.

"You didn't call," her voice conveyed no accusation but just an acknowledgment of the truth. "It's been a week and a half, you would have called by now if you were going to and you didn't."

"No, I didn't," Jackson admitted guiltily. The understanding on her face informed Jackson that she was well aware that it was a choice rather than an oversight. He hadn't called her because he hadn't wanted to.

"Alright then," Stephanie said in acceptance. She'd expected as much. "For the record that was really great, you're great."

"You're great too." Jackson replied. He was glad that he really meant it. He'd had a wonderful time with her, but he just hadn't felt the spark that had kept him coming back to April. Some guy would be really lucky to have Stephanie Edward's wit, determination and strength in their life, it just wasn't him.

"I know," Edwards said brightly, causing him to smile. "But it is what it is."

"You're smart," Jackson informed the intern. He couldn't help but think of the months he had spent dating Lexie only to discover the exact same thing. He'd really cared for her, but he knew that if he hadn't been so convenient they wouldn't have lasted as long as they had. She'd only been looking for a jumping off point in regards to moving on from Mark. It hadn't meant much to her.

"Tell that to Owen and get me back in the OR," she challenged with a laugh.

Jackson gave an appreciative chuckle.

"Anyway, I wanted you to know that we're good," Stephanie said with a tentative grin. "Take care of yourself."

"I'm really sorry I'm not that guy," Jackson confessed sincerely.

"It's cool," Stephanie waved away. "Karma for sleeping with your boss. Honestly, we're good."

"Okay, thanks." He gave her a short wave and she returned to her friends. Once again Ross hadn't missed a beat in sending Jackson a grimace. He was really starting to hate that guy.

Left alone, he wondered to himself how he could be on better terms with the girl he never called back than his best friend. Eventually April would have to talk, he was sure of that, but he hoped it was before he stopped waiting. He wasn't going to wait forever.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Author's note: Okay, so thank you to everyone who read and/or reviewed the last chapter. You guys are champs!_**

**_This update is a big one. Over ten thousand words and whole lot of Jackson and April together. Just keep in mind that at this point neither one of them is sure, they're both grasping at whatever straws they can in order find something solid to stand on. It's what I like about them as a couple, there is a lot of heart but they also are pretty hapless and clumsy (and have some major communication issues.)_**

**_I still don't own anything._**

**_Happy upcoming New Year! May the odds be ever in your favor. Tell me what you thought of this bad boy._**

* * *

"It's adorable," April enthused as she peeked over Jackson's shoulder. She forgot herself for a moment due to the familiar scent of his aftershave but shook the formulating thoughts from her head. Realistically she knew it wasn't the time to act like a fourteen-year-old girl around her ex...well, around Jackson. Actually, she wondered if it would ever be a good time for that but she wasn't in the mood to go into semantics.

For the first time in weeks, April had something she was excited about, and she wasn't going to let Jackson's scent, regardless of the need that it filled in her stomach, distract her. Meredith Grey was having a baby after a rough case of infertility. It was just the news April needed to remind her that she was spending her time in manner that was worthwhile.

As a doctor, she'd grown accustom to the daily grind of reciting mortality stats and trying to remind patients to keep their expectations low. In the six years she'd been doing this, it was like she had forgotten that sometimes medicine couldn't explain everything. Here Meredith wasn't supposed to have children naturally and now she was pregnant. This was why April had wanted to be a doctor, because she had always wanted to give people hope when it seemed to be lost. It was part of the reason her faith would always be important to her, she refused to live in a world void of hope.

Suddenly, in the dead of winter, April had remembered that she was in a field that promised miracles, and she loved it. It was like a rush she couldn't get out of her system. As if by divine design, her job had suddenly felt like some kind of a higher calling.

And of course, April was not the only person who had taken a special interest in Meredith's pregnancy. The hospital was set a buzz with the news of the Shepard's pregnancy. Down to the core of it, Meredith was the only surgeon universally liked by her peers and as such it wasn't hard for coworkers to scrounge up some interest. Honestly to April, with the plane crash and Adele Webber being taken off life support a few weeks earlier, a little bit of new life and hope was exactly what Seattle Grace needed.

Now, people were at their best, like a late infusion of Christmas spirit or something. The thought actually made her heart swell a bit. She'd always be a sucker for Christmas.

Jackson had been the benefactor of this new found brotherly love. He'd been welcomed back into the fold, as it were. Though he could still count on an occasional hiss from Cristina, for the most part the hype surrounding his night with an intern had died down. From what April could see, he was really relieved that he at least was back to normal with everyone as apparently depending on Karev for socialization had been rather unfulfilling. Honestly she was glad too. She hadn't thought it was particularly fair that he'd been fighting off not only the Twisted Sisters but her intern as well.

She knew she was blessed to have people who cared about her, but it had been a little absurd.

However, for all her promises and attempts, there was still some bitterness towards Jackson. She tried her best to hide it, but she was well aware of the fact that she'd never been good at burying her feelings. They talked a bit, mostly about work but a little about the weather which had little in way of variation. She was really trying to get over it, but she felt like in the month since the wedding that wasn't she had made little traction.

"It doesn't look like anything," Jackson murmured in confusion. The printed picture in front of him left a lot to be desired, he decided. "It's a white blob."

Obstetrics wasn't really his area of expertise; except for the hours mandated by the program he'd never really shown any interest in labor or delivery. Honestly, the male OBGYNs were all a little out there for his taste, he was happy to only see that part of a woman when he was about to get something for it.

"Dude, you're a doctor, you really ought to be able to pick these things out." Alex teased brashly. "That is clearly something growing in Mer's uterus."

"Thanks for that Alex," Meredith deadpanned with an eye roll. Though she tried to put on a veneer of nonchalance, it was apparent to everyone near her how thrilled she was. She was practically beaming.

"You're the one who showed him the sonogram," Cristina remarked. "Aren't you supposed to be hostile or something?"

"That's what I thought," Meredith nodded.

"I can't believe it," April cooed as she snatched the sonogram from Jackson's hand.

"Kepner, it's not even cute yet," Cristina reminded with an eye roll. "It's like your ovaries are in overdrive."

"I can't help it, it has all this adorable, baby, human potential," April sighed happily. She was a sucker for babies. She always had been. The way they smelled and their tiny person noises, her heart melted at the sight on an infant. "It's like a tiny baby miracle." She wasn't about to let anyone kill this high she had going on.

Jackson cleared his throat uncomfortably. Hearing April talk about babies was something he hadn't expected to affect him. But it did, more than he would ever like to admit. A quiet, nagging voice in the back of his mind couldn't help but wonder why she couldn't have been this excited about their potential child? He'd always known April to love children, but when it came down to it, she'd gladly rejected their child.

Though it was a difficult thought to formulate, Jackson had begun to wonder if it wasn't their baby she was rejecting. She seemed awfully glad to not be marrying him.

He pushed the thought from his mind, despite the fact he knew it wouldn't stay away long. Jackson had always been a believer in cutting his losses. He credited his ability to move on to all the good things he had in his life. But for some reason, the end of his sexual relationship with April still plagued him. He was holding on and he couldn't say why. It bothered him.

He knew realistically that he made the right decision. They'd wanted different things and they didn't want them with each other. Well more specifically she hadn't wanted them with Jackson and he didn't want a future with someone who didn't want him. They just would have kept on hurting each other, he'd done the only thing he could to preserve their friendship. But the tension between him and his best friend was killing him. For all his good intentions, it simply didn't seem to be enough.

It had been bad after he'd ended things, but they still had talked regularly. They hadn't really had a choice with work and the wedding. But now, now April was still so timid and awkward around him and he always seemed to catch her tentativeness as if it were the plague. No matter how badly he wanted to just hold her in place and force her to tell him what was going on, he knew that it would do no good.

"Good thing you got out while you could Avery," Alex commented. "Had you stayed with that one you'd be expecting twins by now. At least with Edwards you've got a good couple of years before her clock begins to tick."

As if the words were a grenade, April felt all of her new found resolve to be happy crumble. She'd always known that she was a little over-the-top for Alex's taste so she could take

Jackson sent Karev a withering glare, April blushed violently. Meredith looked away uncomfortably while Cristina quirked her eye brow with interest.

"I should go check on my patient," April finally stated, placing the sonogram on a nearby counter. "Congratulations Meredith."

"Yeah, I should go check on one too," Jackson lied as he grabbed Alex roughly around the back of the neck and guided him away. "Good work Grey."

"Avery what the hell?" Alex hissed angrily as Jackson shoved him along.

"Why do you have to go and say shit like that?" Jackson muttered quietly once out of earshot. "I finally got her to be in the same room with me for longer than thirty seconds."

"Dude, Kepner needs to toughen up," Alex defended. "I say worse to her on a daily basis-"

"Yeah, I'm not crazy about that." Jackson interjected; the fact that Alex spouted that he was a complete dick to April as a point of pride brought out the more protective side in Jackson and as if a hopeless attempt to compensate for all the other residual messiness, he wasn't about to let it go. He'd always been protective of her, even if it was in a platonic, brotherly way but now it was tainted with other emotions that he wouldn't be able to pinpoint if he wanted to. Right now he was satisfied by putting it in its simplest terms: He missed April, and he needed her to come around and be herself again. The means by which to do that he was completely at a loss, but at the end of the day he was going to do what he had to. "She's a good person."

"She's insane."

"Good insane and I told you that you're not allowed to call her weird anymore," he argued without willingness to budge. If Alex didn't like April, that was his shit but he wasn't about to let him run his mouth off to April. Quite frankly, he was getting tired of it.

"Whatever man, you're the one who boinked an intern, it's not me she's mad at," Alex stated as he shook off Jackson's hand. "If you're so worried go fix it yourself."

* * *

"Happy freaking new year April," she gritted out to herself as she finished checking the chart of one of her trauma patients. He was unconscious and she was alone now having decided that she really wasn't in the mood for an intern. "Don't worry about not being enough for people because guess what, they'll just find someone better than you so it's all good. Don't worry about the fact that you are bound to die alone and childless because no one can stand you. It'll be fine, you've always liked cats. Never mind the fact that they shed and you really don't like animal hair, small sacrifices for some company. You'll be fine being a lonely, cat owning, mediocre surgeon who gets no respect and is prone to stress ulcers. You're good April, its fine. It's a wonderful freaking life."

She wanted to castrate Alex. She knew it was a very specific and comparatively sadistic form of violence, but really she just wanted to cut him where it counted. Literally. She hadn't expected much loyalty from him but in the end she'd finally found a happy mood and Alex had killed it. For the first time in weeks she'd been all shiny and bright and he murdered it by being himself.

And to think she almost gave him her virginity.

She'd left before she could see Jackson's face. It wasn't that she was worried that he didn't care, she knew he probably did. It was the most frustrating part of all of this. He was happy and trying to hide it for her benefit.

He was being too kind, she was well aware of that. Even she was starting to get annoyed with herself because in the end he hadn't done anything wrong. Initially she felt like maybe their time together had been cut short but she was losing any belief in that thought quickly. She resigned herself to the simple knowledge that they had reached the inevitable conclusion of whatever they'd been. Their very relationship had been built on the concept of stopping. They had never planned to still be together past the next hour but had just kept putting it off. One of them had to get the willpower to finally end things eventually.

It's not like she didn't understand him reaching his breaking point. Despite how wonderful he had made her feel that first time, it had been her very instinct to get him out of her bed. When her sisters asked, she hadn't known how to explain it. It was like in that moment he had seen her more clearly than anyone she had ever known and it bothered her. She hadn't chosen Jackson for any romantic reason; it had all been because of how deeply she felt their friendship. But him recognizing her for everything she was, she hadn't been ready for that. Honestly, she wondered if she'd been ready for any of this.

Yes, they'd been a lost cause to begin with, but that didn't make the final nail in the coffin any less definite or painful.

She heard a light knock on the door frame but chose to ignore it.

"April," a voice she could recognize even if she was deaf sighed and she forced herself to turn around. She plastered a brave smile on her face and tried to ignore the sting of the fact that nearly all of her smiles lately had been fake and for the benefit of others.

"Hey Jackson," she breathed out as he gently shut the door. "This guy here's anemic, can you believe that?"

"Is he going to wake up?" He gestured to the bed and April shook her head. The man was in a medically induced coma while some swelling in his brain went down; it was safe to say that him waking up would be quite the little miracle. "I didn't tell him about the pregnancy scare, he figured it out and-" Jackson informed honestly, ignoring her previous statement. Despite the tacit agreement that they'd never discuss themselves as a couple, he didn't want April thinking he'd betrayed her trust in any shape or form. He already had his work cut out for him trying to get her to see how important their friendship was to the both of them; Alex's big mouth on top of that wasn't something he wanted to carry as well.

"I know, he uh... he's already told me that before." That actually had been quite the uncomfortable moment for April. It had been at the reception and she'd been sobbing when Alex thought it was the perfect time to remind her that at least she didn't have a baby to worry about. She'd almost bludgeoned him on the spot if it weren't for the fact that it had just made her cry harder.

"Well, I don't like that he said it to you," Jackson said conflictingly. He didn't like that he couldn't read her right now. He'd always prided himself on his ability to get inside of her mind when no one else could. But these last few months it was like a constant reminder that April Kepner had so much under the surface that he'd probably never get around to discovering.

But despite the fact that he definitely had his blind spots, he knew that he knew her better than almost anyone. In all the awkward pauses and unfinished conversations, he'd been able to see what she wasn't saying, and it killed him that she didn't realize that. He sure as hell didn't want to face any of this head on either but he wasn't going to lose her over this. He couldn't. Not when April Kepner was one of the few people who seemed to understand him back.

"It's Karev, he's going to say stuff like that," April dismissed easily. She was really tired of him pushing the issue. It's not like Jackson was an open book to begin with, he'd freaking hid from both Lexie and Mark after the legendary softball incident. When she'd hurt his feelings with calling him a car-wreck (which she still thought he took a little too personally), he'd avoided her like she was diseased. Now with the shoe on the other foot, it was like the guy couldn't take a hint.

He placed his hand on her shoulder and gave it a comforting squeeze. April felt slightly ashamed of the swell of emotions that suddenly were battling inside of her due the tiny gesture. Jackson had always been rather affectionate with her as he was relatively without inhibition when it came to touching people. Their entire friendship had been marked with him rubbing her knee or adjusting the collar of her jacket, and suddenly he couldn't touch her shoulder without her getting all weak and mushy, she felt like an insult to feminism.

On the tip of her tongue were some stupid, simple words of how badly she wished she could just tell him everything, but she didn't dare speak them. Not when he had a life to get back to. Jackson was a child of divorce; he would forever be a peace-maker to a fault. She wondered if this was just some smudge on his record that he wanted to clean up before he moved onto greener pastures.

"April, talk to me," he pleaded softly and she bit her lip in contemplation but they were broken up by the door opening.

"Dr. Avery, Mrs. McKinnon seems to be getting an infection," Edwards informed. "Oh hey, Dr. Kepner, how's it going?"

"Good," she muttered with the shake of her head. Of freaking course Stephanie was Jackson's intern. They were bonding after all. With sex. All of that dirty, sex bonding must have made them work awesome together. It was great really. April felt the plastic of the chart she'd been holding dent a little.

"Okay, well I'll be waiting for you," Edwards stated to Jackson and left the room. So that was how she was going to play it.

"She seems nice," April muttered as she began writing fluid levels furiously on the cart. She felt her eye twitching but she tried to ignore it. She was starting to frighten herself a little; she'd seen many a movie where eye twitching wasn't a promising sign. "Honestly, you've done well for yourself Jackson."

For his part, Jackson had no idea what was going on with her. It had seemed like they were suddenly making some kind of traction and then all the sudden she was reminding him of 'The Shining' or something. "I should go take care of that." He gestured to the door with his thumb and watched as she bit back a remark before smiling.

"You don't have to lie to me, if you want to go spend time with Edwards then its fine. But don't lie to me about it." She didn't need his pity. If he was going to go fuck Edwards in the on-call room that was his prerogative and she wasn't about to stop him but she didn't want him lying to her.

"What?" Jackson literally had no clue where she was getting this from.

"Oh please, all the cute little interplay, what is Mrs. McKinnon code for a certain on-call room and infection is quick and dirty. It's fine. Go have fun," April encouraged at a rapid fire pace. "Some of us have real patients to attend to so go get her."

"We literally have a patient named Mrs. McKinnon. She burned her hand," Jackson explained slowly but he got the impression April didn't want to hear it. "What is wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? What about Edwards?" April retorted. "What was with all the fake niceness? Like come on."

"She asked you how you were."

"Clearly a mind game," April insisted. "But you shouldn't worry about it, you being all happy and such I'm sure will find it endearing."

"Edwards isn't the one playing mind games," Jackson countered. "April, what the hell is wrong with you?"

She turned around defiantly and bit her lip, forcing her eyes anywhere but his. "I actually have another patient to check on," April said with feigned disinterest. "I'll talk to you later. Enjoy your sex."

* * *

"Avery, I've been waiting, take a seat," Callie commanded authoritatively as she patted the chair next to her. "We have some nerve grafts to rock. Ross is not going to be able to handle this surgery, it is going to be off the hook."

Jackson managed a meager smile as he collapsed tiredly next to Torres. "This is a surgery of hardcore, badass surgeons."

"Hell yes. It is glorious! The world will change in the wake of this surgery," Callie predicted gloatingly. It was a ritual they had. Since both of them were fairly ridiculous by nature, it seemed to increase a hundred fold when they worked together. There was never a want for enthusiasm in their OR.

"Yup," Jackson agreed.

Torres swiveled her chair to face him. "What the hell was that Avery?"

"What?" He asked self-consciously. From her glower, he could tell that Callie was seemingly unimpressed by him and it left him a little frightened. He'd seen the woman pop shoulders back into place and set bones. It was his honest belief that if there was anyone to be feared in Seattle Grace Mercy West, it was Miss Calliope Torres.

"Was that a yup?" She asked, giving 'yup' the same inflection that one might give to a communicable disease.

"Sorry," he muttered.

"A yup is not satisfactory Avery. We are running a hard core, badass establishment here. Did Mark teach you nothing? How are you supposed to be a part of this landmark, kickass piece of surgery if you are not kickass? Riddle me that. You're better than this!"

He groaned frustrated at himself. He and Torres were about ninety percent hype and he had failed them."I know I'm sorry. God himself will stand in awe of this surgery."

"Better, now can you explain to me what would possess you to act like this is some run of the mill operation and not equal to the second-coming." Callie commanded threateningly.

"April's gone crazy," he admitted. "Not like her typical crazy, like literal, 'Silence of the Lambs' crazy."

"Interesting, continue." Callie said with a wave of her hand. Normally, she didn't always care much for Kepner but in the end her love of gossip proved more powerful than her desire to be a professional.

Jackson debated whether or not he should for a moment before deciding that he had held in enough for the time being. "We were talking and then Edwards came in and all the sudden it was like passive-aggressive April was gone and insane, passive-aggressive April on steroids had taken a place in her stead."

"What do you mean by insane?"

"She kept telling me to enjoy my sex and insisted that Edwards asking how she was doing was some kind of an attack on her character or something," Jackson revealed.

"Ugh, Avery, she kind of sounds like she's jealous," Callie pointed out. "That really isn't horror movie material."

"Her eye kept twitching!"

"Interesting," Callie noted. "I can imagine that it would be moderately disturbing for you." Jackson nodded appreciatively. "Are you still sleeping with Edwards?"

"No," Jackson insisted. It had been a one-time deal and he was completely fine with that.

"Does she know that you aren't still sleeping with Edwards?"

"I don't know, every time we talk about something other than medicine or the weather, she changes the subject back to medicine or the weather," Jackson admitted.

"Its Seattle, the weather is rainy. Always. How do you talk about the weather when it's always the same?"

"That's what I thought but April is committed," Jackson groaned as he buried his head in his hands. The whole ordeal gave him a headache.

"So ask about it," Callie advised.

Jackson shot a glare at her. Clearly he'd tried that, he wasn't a complete lost cause. "She keeps saying we're fine."

"Oooh," Callie grimaced involuntarily. "That definitely means you aren't fine. You are never fine when a woman says you are fine."

"Shockingly I picked up on that," Jackson deadpanned.

"Really, I think that you are making way too big of a deal about this," Callie informed as comfortingly as she knew how.

"Really?"

"I had a baby with Mark and Arizona still took me back," Callie stated. "You're like a fifteen-year-old girl—"

"Waiting for the College guy to text her back," Jackson finished in annoyance. "You've already told me that."

"No, I was going to say that you're like a fifteen-year-old-girl who is in a fight with her BFF, get over it," Callie told him seriously.

"I'm trying," Jackson retorted. "She isn't making it easy."

"Did you really expect her to willingly talk about how you ultimately no longer wanted her and screwed an intern but you want to preserve your super special friendship?" Callie asked skeptically. "I thought you were better than this Avery."

"You make me sound like a dick. It's not that I didn't want her, I just couldn't keep her," he explained but the words sounded weak coming out of his mouth. "I just want to fix it. She won't give me any answers."

"Avery, sometimes you have to swoop in and demand answers, like a badass outlaw in ghost town," Callie informed wistfully. "You just ride in and show 'em whose boss."

"April's not going to go for it," Jackson insisted. If he knew anything about April, it was that she was not someone you could just push around.

"Make her go for it; you've got the Avery sparkle. Even Mark Sloan, the champion, nay the king of charming the pants off people was seduced by the Avery sparkle," Callie encouraged as she slapped the table for effect.

"April's immune to my sparkle," he admitted begrudgingly. He'd overused it during their second year of residency at Mercy West and April could now see right through it. Typically he respected her for that; right now it was a major inconvenience.

"Alright, sympathy is officially tapped dry. Fix it yourself," she stated flatly. "Honestly Avery, you're twice her size, use it to your advantage."

* * *

"I told him to enjoy his sex," April muttered sadly to Meredith. "I'm such an idiot. He literally had a patient named Mrs. McKinnon. 85 years old, third degree burn on her hand, she's real. She's a real person. A real person who got a real skin graft that was being overseen by Jackson and Stephanie Edwards who may or may not have a real case gangrene which makes me feel awesome."

She'd been relaying this story to Meredith for the better part of an hour and she still felt so embarrassed. She'd been a complete idiot. She couldn't even explain it, it was like at that moment all of her common sense had completely fled her body.

"Did you accept that before or after you checked the OR board?" Meredith asked interestedly from her chair on the other side of the counter.

"That's not relevant." She grunted and slammed her elbow onto the station and rested her chin on the palm of her hand. "When did I get so completely out of touch with reality?"

"That is a very good question," Meredith couldn't help but chuckle at April's put out expression of disbelief. "I'm sorry; you are going to be fine. It's not a big deal."

"It is a big deal. I know it's a big deal, Jackson knows it's a big deal and it's done and I can't fix it. I don't know what to do, okay?"

"Well, you better figure it out fast because he's almost right behind you," Meredith informed as she averted her eyes and began to focus very intently on the computer screen in front of her.

"Damn it," She saw him approach her and decided to make a play for escape. She knew she'd been childish earlier and paranoid. Jackson was a professional; it wasn't like he couldn't possibly be doing his job.

"April, we need to talk," he called after her and as she peeked behind she saw him break into a bit of a run. This did not bode well for her, she was completely devoid of any athletic ability and he'd played football in college. However, her father had instilled in her the deep belief in Cinderella stories.

"No time now Jackson, patients to check," she replied as he caught up with her and blocked her once clear path.

"We need to talk, what is wrong with us?" Jackson asked as he tried to box her in but she slipped past him.

"Jackson, we're fine." April said as she sped up to a run, hoping to make the elevator before it closed. But as if he could read her thoughts, April felt Jackson wrap a firm hand around her wrist. Rooting her in place, she spun around thinly veiling her disappointment. She knew realistically that she had to talk with him eventually, but for some reason she had no desire for it to actually be now. It all still seemed so fresh. "I was trying to catch that."

"I know," Jackson replied stubbornly. "But a couple more minutes won't kill you. Talk to me, what is going on with you?"

"Nothing," April lied though she knew she was descending into petty, passive-aggressive territory. He gave a skeptical glare that did nothing in way of humbling her. She wasn't going to cave, not this time. "There is nothing going on with me."

"So what the hell was that in the exam room?" Jackson posed. He was on the offensive. He'd waited for April to come to him or for things to go back to normal and it had done nothing. It had been weeks and absolutely nothing had changed. His admittedly limited patience had officially run dry.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that it's just been a long day," April dismissed. "I shouldn't have said anything. Honestly, I'm sorry. We're fine, I'm just being crazy."

"We aren't fine," Jackson argued as he crossed him arms. He'd anticipated that April would be completely resistant; if the last months had taught him anything it was that nothing was easy with April Kepner. But he wasn't satisfied with how things were. Lately all their conversations had been limited to medicine and small talk. He'd given her time but now she needed to finally just tell him where they stood.

"Jackson seriously we're-"

"If you say fine one more time I promise you I will go full blown crazy," Jackson interjected. "I'm not fine. I don't like how things are between us. We aren't fine."

"Nothing is wrong with us. Its January, it's crazy around here." April waved her hand around in indication. She didn't know why he was forcing the issue. He'd gotten his happy new beginning with Edwards; it was almost cruel for him to expect her to be there to watch it. She hadn't been enough for him, they both knew it, but now he was just rubbing it in her face. "Once things die down things will go back to how they were before."

"I know you're mad at me," he blurted in annoyance. "And I know that you're mad at me because I slept with Edwards. What the hell is wrong with you that you won't own up to that?"

April rolled her eyes as she swallowed the venom she was ready to spit out at him. "I have no idea what you are talking about."

"This is getting ridiculous," Jackson groaned as he threw his head back. "You're mad at me, just admit it."

"I am not mad at you!" April shouted angrily before catching herself. She looked around to see all of the doctors and nurses on the floor opening staring at her. She wasn't doing herself any favors. She turned her head back to Jackson who was boring holes into her with his eyes. To his credit, Jackson managed to slightly hide the look of complete disbelief on his face but she knew what he was thinking. "Fine, I'm a little mad at you. You happy? I'm annoyed and I honestly don't really want to be around you so let me go."

She felt like her confession was a little empty but she couldn't begin to explain how she felt towards herself at the moment. She'd given him the blame that she'd accredited to him because that's what he asked for.

She tried to yank her arm away from him but if he even noticed he made no sign of it. She really didn't think it was terribly nice of him to use their vast size and strength difference against her.

"Well, you shouldn't be," Jackson said bluntly. "We aren't dating. You don't get to tell me what to do." He knew it was childish, but he wasn't about to apologize for the wedding. Not when he really wasn't sorry. She'd set him up, she'd pushed him away and he'd found someone who reciprocated his interest. April was a grown ass woman; she needed to come to terms with the fact that in adulthood you don't get to dictate how other people live their lives.

"Yeah, that's super helpful," April snapped sarcastically, "Because I haven't thought of that before. I'm glad that you want to talk so that you can just debase my feelings. That's awesome Jackson."

"It's the truth," Jackson defended.

"I know," April spat in a whisper. "I know I don't get to be mad at you. But I am, okay? I'm hurt and I'm mad and I didn't want to tell you about it because I knew that you'd think I was being petty. So I wasn't going to but you kept asking me until I couldn't keep it in anymore and so you don't get to decide what I do about it."

"Dr. Kepner," a nurse interrupted in a shout. "We have an incoming gunshot wound to the chest."

"Okay, I got it," April replied before fixing her gaze on Jackson. "I have to go do my job now."

"So..." He weighed the words carefully in his mind, waiting for her to answer his thoughts. He found himself a little disappointed when she didn't. "So we're not going to talk about this."

April shook her head. "We're friends, we're good. Whatever is going on with me I will get over it so let's just not talk about it."

"So we're pretending that nothing happened," Jackson shook his head agitatedly. "I should've guessed."

"Hey, don't be like that," April pleaded. "Look, we'll talk about this later, I have to go. I'll call you, I promise."

Jackson watched as she ran to ER doors. He was getting a little sick of April always leaving before they actually said anything.

* * *

April lazily pushed open the door to her favorite on-call room. It was closer to peds than it was to any OR but gave her the opportunity to walk past the nursery window which always lifted her spirits a little.

She wanted nothing more than to get some sleep and luckily this was one of the less popular rooms. But unfortunately her hopes were cut short when someone popped up from the bed.

"Bah," she shrieked in shock.

"I knew it," Jackson stated with a triumphant smile. He'd been debating where to wait and had almost resigned himself to the nurses' station. Luckily, he'd changed his mind last minute. He did his best to calm his expression when April looked at him in disbelief. He'd gone over all of this in his mind and knew exactly how he wanted this conversation to go.

"You scared the ever-living crap out of me. Jackson, you aren't working," April enunciated. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you," he answered as he stood to meet her gaze. "I heard you were the attending in charge tonight and I thought that we could finish our talk."

"You waited for me?" April asked quizzically. "I said I would call you."

"Yeah, but I didn't know if you would. Lately, I don't know if I can trust a word coming out of your mouth," Jackson informed stubbornly. "I'm not going anywhere until we've talked."

"About what?" April cried tiredly. "Jackson, I think that I know everything I need to! So unless you can just tell me something that makes all of this bullshit feel okay, then this really is pointless."

"You're barely talking to me," he pointed out. "I'm not just going to ignore that."

"I'm not asking you to, I'm asking for you to give me the time to get over the fact that I'm all bent out of shape and you've already found yourself a freaking girlfriend. Can you appreciate that there's a difference?"

"Stop calling her my girlfriend, she isn't."

"What?" April asked in surprise.

"She isn't my girlfriend, it was a one night thing."

"I thought that you liked Edwards," April stated in confusion.

"I did, but the whole thing...It didn't mean anything," Jackson confessed as he rubbed the back of his neck in hopes of relieving some tension.

"Seriously?" April asked guardedly, Jackson wasn't sure whether or not they were making any progress so he just nodded.

"Yeah, seriously."

He'd prepared himself for tears, which he figured were unavoidable with April Kepner. She was a crier and made no apology for it. Whenever he'd imagined a confrontation with April, it always seemed to involve serious amounts of saline.

What he wasn't prepared for was April starting to hit every inch of him she could reach. Though strong for her size, Jackson almost thought it was adorable that she thought that she was even doing anything. He was still a grown ass man. However, he did not find her calling him every curse word in the book all that endearing.

"Ass, asshole, idiot, jerk, ass-" She continued to mutter in a stream as she continued her onslaught. In the back of her mind she imagined the sound of sirens and the words 'arrested for assault' but she couldn't stop herself. She would do her time.

"April, what the hell?"

"You stupid whore bastard. Are you freaking kidding me?" She screamed as she slapped his chest pathetically. Had she gone for his nose, she figured he would've responded by now. Vanity was Jackson's vice, despite what he told anyone. Had she messed up his face, she would have at least gotten a reaction. Instead she felt weak and limp, like this was all a big joke on her.

"You told me that you didn't care anymore," Jackson stated defensively as he stilled her hands by firmly grabbing her wrists. She wiggled defiantly but it at least stopped her tirade for a moment.

"Of course I care," April shrieked as she attempted to yank her arm from his grasp. "I hate that you slept with her! I gave you my freaking virginity and you can't wait two weeks before hopping into bed with someone else? Do you not even respect me? Oh and now I am going to get arrested for assault!"

"April," He placed his hand on her shoulder soothingly, hoping that it would do something to calm her down but with her hands now free she swatted it away without so much as a second thought.

"No, you wanted to talk, let's talk!" April shouted angrily. "You dump me because I'm not thrilled at the idea of getting knocked up by you, but then go have meaningless sex with an intern!"

"April," he tried to soothe to no avail.

"Why couldn't you have had meaningless sex with me?" April retorted loudly, she hated the crack in her voice that conveyed her closeness to tears. She paused for a moment as the words rung in the air. She softened her voice a little, just because she knew that her vocal chords would be hating her come tomorrow."Why couldn't you just pretend nothing happened with me?"

"April, it was never meaningless with us-"

"Why couldn't it be?" She questioned heartbreakingly. "Had it been meaningless, we could have just gone back to how things were before, and there wouldn't be any of this tension and we wouldn't be awkward and I wouldn't feel like I've lost my best friend because I don't know what to say to him."

"You haven't lost me," Jackson countered, trying very hard to keep the anger in his voice in check. He felt like he was holding onto her friendship for dear life. He'd never been one who needed much from people, and now the one person he'd been able to depend on he couldn't even really talk to. "In fact, you're the one who keeps insisting that we're fine!"

"Well clearly, we're not!" April waved her arms exuberantly to indicate the space between them. "We aren't fine."

"Then why didn't you tell me that before?" Jackson asked, masking the thrill of the victory of finally getting her to admit it. He had never really been one to talk about his feelings before, but the fact that he couldn't get April to own up to the fact that there was even a problem had been a huge hurdle in putting this mess behind them. She was his one functional relationship, he wasn't about to throw that away because she couldn't move on.

"Because I thought it would go away," she admitted. It was the truth. She'd prayed for her feelings to go away, she'd tried her best to shove them aside, but with almost impressive resilience they always seemed to spring back into place at the sight of him. She felt hurt and betrayed and angry and sad and relieved and hopeful and broken and so many other things at the same time that she felt like she was on verge of bursting at any given moment. None of this was simple to her, and she hated it.

"You should have said something," Jackson implored angrily as he clenched his fists.

"Can you honestly tell me that you wanted to have that conversation? You, the king of avoiding people, wanted to have some discussion on how I resented you?"

"No, I don't want to have that conversation or even this one. But I want things to be good with us and so if I have to suck up and listen to you get all of this shit out or your system, then I'll fucking do it. Just let me fix this," he pleaded.

"There isn't anything to fix. I just have to get to the point that I can just chalk this up to a huge mistake and get on with everything. I'm not there yet."

"So I'm a mistake?"

"No its just," April tried to find the words, but they didn't come easy. "It was nice while it lasted but I would rather have you as my friend that I made a mistake with than the guy who I can't talk to because of a relationship that I don't even know counts by basic definition."

"Don't do that!" Jackson demanded. "You know that I had feelings for you."

"No you had feelings for me when you were mad at me, but then when I might have had feelings about anything you bailed!"

"I didn't bail," Jackson stated firmly. "You pushed me away."

"Go screw an intern," she spat angrily. She watched as the words hit Jackson with their full force and winced in guilt. "Sorry, that was a little much."

"You said you didn't care!" Jackson countered wanting nothing more than to grab her by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. When he had started this conversation, he had hardly thought that April already had so much ammunition stored.

"What else was I supposed to say Jackson?" She threw her arms in the air dramatically. "I'm the dud attending. I'm the crazy, annoying, Jesus freak with a grating voice. Do I really have to be the psycho clinger dumpee as well? I'm trying to hold onto my minimal self-respect here!"

"April," he said, trying to hold back the inevitable tidal wave.

"Don't 'April' me!"

"It's your name!"

"Well, you don't get to use it," April commanded, stabbing Jackson in the chest with her pointer finger. She was all fired up and honestly she had no idea what they were fighting about anymore. Each comment earned a retort with no logical stream of consciousness in between. "You do not get to use it."

"April, you are being insane!" Jackson finally shouted back. "And for the record, I'm not the only one who damaged our friendship here."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Do you think I liked talking to you after you thanked God for not having to marry me?"

"What? You told me we were good!" She felt his words slap her across the face.

"Well clearly, we're not," he mimicked and she wanted nothing more than to throw something at him. She understood that he was upset, but it didn't change the fact that he was acting like an ass.

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because I let it go, for our friendship. Except I didn't realize that you were incapable of doing the same."

"You know what, I'm done feeling sorry for all of this," Jackson announced as he received a disbelieving snort from April.

"You're an ass," April accused.

"No, I'm an idiot for thinking that you could handle this like a normal person!" When April shook her head bitterly and turned to just walk out, he grabbed her roughly by the shoulders. For good or for ill they were finally telling each other the truth. He couldn't bear to go back to all of the lies. "Would you just listen to me?"

"So that I can hear how I'm crazy and ruined our friendship, no thanks!" April wiggled helplessly. She knew that it was kind of a lost cause, Jackson was clearly a lot stronger than she was. At one point she had found that fact very sexy, now it was definitely something she could do without. However, she'd be lying if she pretended that his hands on her didn't send a forbidden tingle down her spine.

"Don't be like that, I swear you always take things out of context," Jackson groaned angrily. He watched as she fought back a smirk.

"Sorry that I can't just act like a normal person. Honestly, I didn't know I was such a weight around your neck." She saw an angry glint enter his deep eyes and she fought for control over herself. She was pissed, she wasn't supposed to be finding him sexy right now.

"Stop acting insecure, I'm here aren't I?" To her credit, she met his challenging glare and Jackson felt something melt within him. While he'd waited her for with the expectation that she'd give him some answers, he'd expected it to be more tearful as it was April he was dealing with. But now in the moment, he felt his respect for her grow. There was something about a confident April Kepner that he wasn't sure he'd ever be able to resist.

He knew that it wasn't particularly platonic which seemed to be the end goal of all of this, but for the life of him he was certain that he'd never get the image of April leaning up to kiss him out of his head. His memories of her remained vivid, as if they had only happened moments prior and he was grateful for them in a way he was helpless to explain.

It was then he started to notice the details; the way her pony tail was falling out or how her scrubs were slightly wrinkled. Of anyone he'd ever worked with, he'd always maintained that April managed to look the least pathetic after a thirty hour shift. He'd even told her as much long before they had slept together.

As if reading his mind, April quirked her eyebrow knowingly. He raked his eyes over her body and smiled to himself.

In that moment, it was as if something had snapped in him. He swallowed thickly as he guided her towards the bed. She sat down on her own accord, pulling him down with her. He rolled and pinned her to the bed, staring at her expectantly. She gave a weak nod and he found himself lowering his mouth to the side of her neck.

"Yeah, you are," April exhaled out. She knew how he was looking at her; it was almost predatory. She felt her breathing hitch, knowing that she had to get out of there. They'd been down this path before and it had ended in tears and Jimmy Stewart movies. But for all her resolve, she couldn't make her feet move to the ground. Despite her best intentions she could summon nothing within her to ask him to stop.

For all her promises that things were going to be different, the lust that coursed through her veins vowed something very different. She knew that she'd feel awful about it later, but one more time with Jackson was something she wasn't about to resist.

"I really need our friendship," he explained softly against the skin beneath her ear. He felt her shudder at the contact and felt something akin to pride swirl in his blood. He felt as she guided his mouth to her lips and she kissed with need.

"I know," April muttered against Jackson's lips as helped her toss off her shoes without breaking the kiss.

"We're going to regret this," Jackson warned as April pressed an insistent kiss on his neck.

"Probably," she agreed easily as she pushed his Jacket off his shoulders. "But we don't regret it now."

* * *

"So," April stated awkwardly. "We did that again." She cringed at herself as the words reverberated off the walls of the now soiled on-call room. She honestly couldn't believe herself for getting into the situation again. After the pregnancy scare, she'd really come to terms with the fact that sex hadn't been what she was looking for, not really. Jackson had been a wonderful distraction but she was still looking for someone to understand her.

"Seems like," Jackson replied with an uncomfortable was killing him. In the light of day he'd never been able to admit it, but he had gone into their initial relationship with greater expectations than being April Kepner's fuck buddy. He felt like such a dick.

They gave each other friendly grins before both turning furiously to ceiling and grimacing. From the corner of his eye, Jackson could see April mouth something to the ceiling which he assumed to be her ceremonial post-coital freak out but he was actually a little touched she managed to not say it aloud. It wasn't much, but it was at least a start.

"We never had break up sex," Jackson blurted out. He really hated to be that guy but he was at a complete loss what to do now. But for as much guilt as he felt, he didn't really regret it. Not when it felt so good. That was the problem, really, it always felt so good.

"Our entire relationship was break up sex," April countered, with an arched eyebrow she felt like 'relationship' was too strong a term for what they were doing but she wasn't in the mood to insult him.

"Yes, but we never had real break-up sex," Jackson explained. He felt like he was grasping at straws, but he didn't want to lose April from his life. "So now that's out of our system."

"You know what? That sounds about right," April agreed as she rolled over and fished out her cotton black panties from the discarded pile of clothes. She sat up and slipped them on before redressing herself. She tried to shield her face from his view lest he see the violent blush that spread across her face and chest. She was completely mortified.

"Should we talk about this more?" Jackson asked worriedly as he grabbed his boxers which she offered him and put them on.

"We just did," April replied with a simple smile as she pulled her scrub bottoms up and tied them tightly around her waist. "We're on the same page so there really isn't anything else to say except for that was some kick ass breaking-up sex there."

"Yeah," Jackson sighed. "Yeah, you're right. What about the stuff we were uh...talking about before?"

"We did the post mortem thing. We've had break up sex, I now have closure," April lied panicked as she sprinted to the door. Even though she was just doing the walk-well, sprint of shame she felt like she trying to escape mortal peril or something. "The air is clear. We're good, see you Jackson!"

As she went to slam the door behind her, she tripped on her untied shoelace. Luckily someone had been standing outside of the door, catching April from her fall.

"Hey Doctor Kepner I was just looking for you," Shane greeted brightly, completely unaffected by the fact she had just slammed into him. "Where you've been?"

"Ugh..."

He peeked around her to see Jackson through the still open door as he put back on his shirt. "Hey, Ross-" He waved awkwardly.

"Ugh, again?" Ross whispered disgustedly to April. "Dr. Kepner, there are other men out there."

"I have no will power," she defended weakly in his ear as she grabbed the door knob and pulled it closed. She was dying. She grabbed Ross's wrist and forced him, confusedly away from the the on-call room door.

Finally deciding that she was far enough away from Jackson to breath, she turned to the intern. "I need to make a call if you'll excuse me." She said with pretended authority as she opened the first door she got a hold of which was thankfully unlocked.

Once again she was greeted by the sight of some mops, she wondered if this was going to be her thing. She slammed the door behind her, hoping for some privacy but that seemed to be in vain.

Whatever, she needed somewhere where she could be alone and this was as good as it was going to get.

"Doctor K," Shane hissed through the door. "You're in the janitor's closet."

"I know, go away," she commanded with a whisper as dialed her sister's number.

"But you are in a closet," he reasoned.

"Shane, get lost or there are no puss sores in your future," she threatened.

"Fine," he grumbled. She heard him stalk away and she sighed in relief. She waited for her sister to answer and finally thought that maybe God had caught on to her silent prayers.

"Kimmy," April panicked into the receiver. "I relapsed."

"You relapsed?" Her sister repeated in confusion. "I have no idea what you are talking abou-oh no, tell me you didn't. Promise me you didn't."

April cringed as she heard her sister's voice fill with understanding. Kimmy had never made any attempt to hide that she thought that April and Jackson, even in their prime, were a mistake. Kimmy was never the type to make apologies for overstepping her bounds or being too involved, it was in her nature. She gave her opinion freely where April would always beat around the bush.

"One minute we were shouting at each other and then the next it was all tense and-"

"April!" Her sister cried, April could hear the faint sound of her sister hitting the table on the other side of the line. "This isn't good."

"I know it's not!"

"You said you were done," Kimmy accused. "You said that he couldn't give you what you wanted and he didn't want to be with you anymore so you weren't going to worry about it."

"Well, I lied."

"And what about Jesus," April sighed out in contemplation as her sister posed the question. She had no idea what she thought about all of this spiritually. Honestly she had gone back and forth so often on the subject of what God thought about all of her actions that she had no idea where she stood. On the one hand, she considered herself not only spiritual but deeply religious, for all the guilt and complications; religion had always played an important role in her life. She'd cooled it down a bit over her residency, but if sex with Jackson had taught her anything, it was that her faith was always going to be a part of her, even if it momentarily lay dormant.

But on the other hand, it was Jackson. That always seemed to be the only excuse or explanation April was capable of formulating. Jackson, whether by sheer force of personality or because of her own inherent weakness, did things to her that given a thousand years she'd never quite be able comprehend.

To put it in the simplest terms she knew, on some basic, primal level she just needed him. With the water all murky between them, it wasn't a particularly encouraging thought. She'd never been particularly good at needing anyone.

"Yeah, he's probably not impressed," she finally stated, deciding that her sister wasn't necessarily privy to all of her thoughts. She knew she'd probably spiral out of control and start freaking out again later but right now she was far too worried to ever voice it. Whatever balance she and Jackson had struck had been very delicate in nature and she'd be devastated if they lost what little progress they had because they couldn't control themselves.

"So what are you going to do?"

"I don't know," April stated bluntly. "I have no idea. I just keep making an ass out of myself and I don't even know how to fix it."

"April, I am only going to say this once," Kimmy said determinedly. "You need to find another shark."


	4. Chapter 4

_**Author's Note: Thanks for all the nice reviews! Especially all you wonderful guest reviewers, I can't respond to you individually but thanks so much for reading and commenting. Also, thanks for reading this to begin with.  
**_

_**I'll admit it, this isn't my favorite chapter. I don't like writing April the way I wrote her in the beginning of the chapter but she has some stuff to learn. Trust me, I made the outline for this story and I even asked myself what she was thinking. And Jackson...Jackson still has to figure out the new boundaries. Anyway, suspend any disbelief.  
**_

_**Happy New Year, I hope its a blessed one.  
**_

_**For the record on the one shot that I posted yesterday, I think I will add a couple more chapters to it. However, it will get updated slower and the chapters will be WAY shorter than they are for this story.  
**_

_**I don't own anything.  
**_

* * *

"What about him?" Cristina gestured with her head towards a man playing darts with some of his friends. "He looks like he lives with his mom but if you're looking for a one-time thing-"

"He looks handsy," Meredith surveyed with distaste before turning to April. "I still don't know what you think is going to happen. Sex doesn't just turn off your feelings for another person-"

"Yeah, look at her, she cried at George," Cristina interjected playfully earning a small roll of the eyes from Meredith.

April chuckled appreciatively before a look of consternation spread across her face."Who's George?" She kept hearing about the guy, but never anything substantial. She knew he used to live in the Frat House before even Alex did and that Alex's ex-wife had been fiercely protective of him but not much else.

For their part, Cristina and Meredith did not look impressed with that question.

"Mercy Wester," they muttered in unison while shaking their heads.

"Alright, never mind then," April relinquished, raising her hands in surrender. She was in need of their help; she wasn't in the position to piss either of them off. "I don't like that one; he's wearing a Michigan hat."

"But it's not like you're going to have to root for his football team," Cristina reasoned. "Come on Kepner, go for someone easy so we can go home and you can get some."

April rolled her eyes, she knew she should have asked someone other than Meredith to be her wing woman. She didn't really have many friends at work excluding Jackson, and she was fairly certain that the mental image of Ross trying to pimp her out was way too bad to try to bring it to realization. So she had asked Grey who insisted Cristina come with them. Leaving April with a pregnant woman in a bar and someone who didn't really like her all that much. She figured that her preparation could have been better for this particular project.

April shook her head stubbornly.

"I'm finding another shark," she informed as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. She wasn't drunk yet, only having drunk enough to grant her momentary courage. "Now help me pick a good one." Granted, she knew this wasn't exactly what her sister had meant by finding someone else, but that was a different matter. From April's point of reference, she wasn't ready to have any kind of feelings for someone else.

Honestly, she'd treated sex like it was something to be cherished. But maybe it was something she needed to accept that she was late to the party for and make up for lost time. Jackson had been the only person to see her in that light and it had changed her. But she had never given anyone else a chance to change her.

The idea had come into her head late the night before. She remembered all the random bar guys who never made her feel anything when they looked at her or spoke with her. They never made her feel anything much at all, and like a bolt of lightning hitting a flag pole, she'd had an idea. Everyone else seemed to do better after ill-fated hookups during bar crawls.

She forced the thoughts of the impending post-coital guilt from her mind, she'd deal with that when it came. She'd exhausted all of her other options: revirginizing hadn't worked and she couldn't go back to Jackson. She was stuck in this mindless limbo and she'd go insane if she didn't get out soon.

"I still don't get the reference," Cristina commented apathetically as she took a sip of her beer. "But the guy at the bar is okay looking. You could have pretty decent stranger sex with him."

April nodded after a moment. "He might do." Part of her felt a little guilty for treating these men like objects, but she'd had her fair share of well meaning older male patients trying to sneak peeks down her scrub top for it to last long. Tonight was a night for action. She'd had enough of all the whining and the pining and the wondering if she'd ever feel alright. It hadn't done anything at all and she'd just kept making giant mistakes. And so, April Kepner was going to act, whether people liked it or not.

So far, everyone had told her that it was a terrible idea, but that did little in way of deterring her.

"You are April Kepner," Meredith tried once again to gently persuade. "You aren't the type to throw yourself at some guy in a bar."

April thought that was a little rich. Though she had only ever known the married, stable Meredith Grey, she had heard some stories about Meredith that were more than a little colorful. She didn't point out as much since Meredith had agreed to bar hop with her while pregnant.

"Humor her. There is no way she's going to go through with it, she's never had revenge sex before," Cristina whispered to Meredith though April could still hear her.

"This is not revenge sex," she insisted as she folded her arms adamantly. "I'm just getting Jackson out of my system, resetting the equilibrium if you will. And this is happening!"

Both Meredith and Cristina looked at her skeptically, causing her to feel defensive. They were both under the impression that she'd change her mind last minute. She wasn't going to, she'd made her decision and she was following through with it.

Logistically, she knew it was her personality and general demeanor that would be her problem. She wasn't cocky but she was aware that far less attractive people than her managed to pick people up. Still, physically she had brought her A-game. The dress she was wearing was one that her sister Alice had given her. Alice had always been far more confident that April had ever dreamed to be and so though quite a pretty blue color, it was rather tight, a little short and sleeveless. She'd actually spent time on her hair and make up, physically, she was at her peak.

"I am going to do this," April ranted, slamming her hand on the table for effect. She knew they meant well, but it was a little insulting that no one had any remote sliver of faith in her. "I was a good girl, I waited until the moment felt right and then I screwed myself over. If there's no reward for playing good, then why the hell should I?"

"April, this isn't you," Meredith posed as she checked her watch for the third time in the last hour. It was no mystery to April that neither Cristina nor Meredith had thought that she'd last this long. Honestly, she'd had doubts herself.

She felt her phone buzz in her purse and pulled it out to check the screen. It was Jackson. Again. She stuffed the phone back in her purse angrily.

It was the third time today.

For the most part, the few days since her visit to the on call room had passed without incident. Despite the fact that her feelings hadn't really changed sex had acted as a catalyst of sorts. She now had to admit that the animosity she'd felt towards Jackson wouldn't be leaving on its own. She was determined to get through this by any means necessary.

She was sick of missing him.

"Fine, bar guy it is," April declared, talking a final sip of her rum and coke and stalking off.

Cristina and Meredith looked to each other for a moment in silence.

"Does this mean we can go?" Cristina asked carefully. She thought that April was being a bit too hopeful, but there were some lessons people had to learn on their own.

Meredith shook her head. "We have to give her a ride home if she strikes out."

"She reeks of desperation," Cristina commented. "Someone is going to bite."

"I'm going to stay, and since I'm your ride home that means you stay too," Meredith muttered shielding her eyes. "I don't know if I can watch, this is just sad."

"You said you wanted for her to get revenge?" Cristina reminded.

"Well, it was a lot better of an idea in theory," Meredith maintained. "This is just sad."

* * *

Jackson blew on his hands, hoping to warm them up. Entering Joe's had been an ordeal, though Seattle had nothing on the cold New England winters he'd grown up with, tonight was pretty uncomfortable. He finally had a night off and he'd hoped to catch a movie with April but she'd never called him back. Honestly he hadn't been surprised; he'd known that suddenly returning to how things were was too good to be true.

He didn't even know if it was possible for them to go back, not when he'd known her in such a different way. He hadn't said it aloud; not with April always being on the brink of pushing him away completely.

He was slowly losing his best friend and he was helpless to stop it. It was the most frustrating thing he'd ever experienced.

He looked around quickly, wondering if maybe Karev had slinked off into Joe's tonight so that he'd at least have some company but what he found almost immediately was much more surprising.

You didn't have to be a doctor to know that expectant women weren't supposed to drink. He didn't know what Yang was doing taking Meredith to a bar.

He plopped down next to them, hoping for some insight.

"You're pregnant, what are you doing in a bar?" Jackson asked directly.

"Relax, I'm drinking water. April wanted some back up," Meredith gestured with her head to the bar where the red-haired doctor was leaning on the counter top with some douche's hand on her hip. "He seems to really be interested."

Jackson had to do a double-take. So that was why she wasn't answering his calls.

Jackson nodded wordlessly, the dude definitely seemed interested alright. He couldn't blame him. April looked hot tonight. Not in the usual, subtle way that he had always found her rather pretty, but in an overt way that he knew was intentional. Her hair was a little bigger, her dress a more revealing, and her make up darker. She almost looked like the girls he normally went for...almost.

There was still some residual innocence in her eyes that kept her from looking like the typical potential conquest. He assumed she wouldn't be able to rid herself if she tried, at least he hoped so. For everyone else's comments, he appreciated that April was the girl next door. He honestly thought that not enough people were like her.

And the guy. The guy was a joke. He probably spent more time on his hair than April did, Jackson noted internally. He wasn't anything special looking but he seemed like the type to throw around whatever money he had for appearances. Jackson was good at picking out social climbers and sycophants, he was an Avery, and he'd met his fair share. April didn't want a relationship with a guy like that.

"What the hell is she doing?" He asked, thinly disguising his distaste. After six years of friendship, he was at a complete loss at what was going through her head. Guys like the one she was with weren't exactly subtle with what they were expecting.

"Looking for a replacement Avery," Yang answered meeting his enraged glare. He knew that Cristina loved to get a reaction out of people, he was hardly in the mood.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Revenge sex," Cristina revealed with faux innocence.

"No she isn't," Jackson replied seriously. He didn't find it particularly funny that Cristina was mocking April's innocence again.

"It's more 'sexual sorbet'," Meredith expounded gently.

"Really?" He managed in complete disbelief, unable to take his eyes off the train wreck before him.

"Really," Meredith confirmed sympathetically.

"Has she lost her mind?"

"She slept with you," Cristina quipped sardonically earning a small laugh from Meredith.

"But she's-" Jackson trailed searchingly.

"April Kepner?" Meredith provided.

"Yeah," a dumbstruck Jackson stated.

"She's a grown woman Avery," Cristina countered, earning a dark glare from the plastic surgeon. He knew April better than anyone, he was well aware of just how grown up April Kepner really was.

"Why didn't you guys try to stop her?" He demanded.

"We tried but it's her decision," Grey explained. "She's being really stubborn. At least this way we know she isn't going home with some guy that is going to chain her up in the basement and feed her to his dogs."

"Perilous dangers of promiscuity," Cristina added.

"But...but..."He stammered ineffectively.

"By all means, give it your best shot but I don't think she's going to listen to you," Cristina offered. "I think she's reached her fill of the Avery lovin'."

As if on cue, Jackson heard April giggle bubbly at something the jackass had said. He wasn't about to let this happen. Maybe it was creepy, maybe it was territorial, but he wasn't in the business of caring.

"I'll be right back," he declared smoothly as he stalked over to the bar.

He didn't have much of plan, he hadn't had anytime to form one, but if there was one thing he knew, it was that April wasn't this girl.

It wasn't like he had a leg to stand on, he'd had his fair share of casual flings and non-committal bed warming, he couldn't say he was generally against the practice. But it was April, he reasoned to himself. And despite the disconnect between them, he knew in his heart of hearts that this couldn't possibly make her happy.

And that was all that he wanted for her, was for her to be happy.

He watched as the dude she was with leaned in flirtatiously, and took as a sign to act. Throwing his weight slightly, he managed to bump full force into his best friend.

She fumbled for a moment, slopping her drink over her pseudo-date, she looked up in agitation before he could disarm her with a charming smile.

"Oh, April, crazy running into you," Jackson said as he helped her wipe up some of her spilled drink. He could see that she was sending him a disbelieving glare, but he chose to ignore it. "Sorry about that."

"It's fine," she muttered softly. Internally, she was wracked with guilt that she couldn't quite place. She hadn't done anything wrong, but in that moment she wanted nothing more than to run to the bathroom and hide.

"I tried calling you, that movie that I told you about is playing in that old theater that we used to go to when we were interns," Jackson informed.

"Yeah, I saw," April shrugged. "I already had plans."

"If you want we can still probably catch it-" Jackson began but the douche spoke up.

"Is this your boyfriend?" April's heart couldn't help but beat a little faster at the question.

Logically she knew the answer, but part of her was interested to see how Jackson would respond to Adam, her bar guy. Admittedly, Adam wasn't the most charming man she'd ever met, but he was nice enough. And she was fairly certain he could hold his own against whatever the hell Jackson was getting at.

"Actually I'm-" Jackson began but April shot him a look that quieted him.

"No, he isn't," April informed Adam. She tried to not be too defensive but Jackson was really killing her admittedly weak mojo.

"Oh," Adam sighed out relieved. "Did you still want to come over to my place and listen to some music?" They'd been talking about Al Green and Otis Redding, both of whom April loved.

"April's actually-" Jackson started to dismiss but April grabbed his wrist firmly and yanked him to follow her.

"I would love to. We're just going to be one minute," April said quickly before pulling Jackson to somewhere more private. As soon as she knew she was out of earshot, she began to whisper harshly. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Rescuing you, that guy is a douche," Jackson informed.

"I was having fun," she retorted, boring holes into him with her eyes. This was just like him, acting all paternalistic when she didn't need him to be. She was a grown woman; she could take care of herself.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Talking," April replied defensively.

"That isn't what Cristina and Meredith said," Jackson argued.

April paled temporarily, clearly not expecting for him to fully understand what she had set out to do. She remained silent, as if hoping that he'd forget why they were having this conversation.

"April come on, you aren't that girl," Jackson insisted pleadingly. Part of him deep down wondered if he was overstepping the careful line between friendship and something more that they had drawn for themselves but he didn't care. April wasn't the type of person to sleep around and the fact that she seemed to be doing as some misguided attempt to get back at him didn't sit well with Jackson in the slightest.

He didn't know where the April he'd known and cared for had gone but he wondered if she'd ever come back.

"Jackson, I am an adult. I make my own decisions," was her simple reply. Her voice was level and even, giving nothing away about the the emotions she must have been feeling. That scared Jackson more than anything, he was so used to dealing her outbursts that a calculated April Kepner was not something he was ready for.

"This is a mistake," Jackson stated, hoping that he could change her mind.

"This isn't your decision." Jackson couldn't help but groan to himself. April Kepner was nothing if not stubborn.

"What about Jesus?" Jackson retorted.

"You're worried about him now? Now that you've gotten everything you want from me?" April skeptically questioned, he could tell that she was biting back some more colorful remarks which led him to wonder when he became public enemy number one to her.

"Actually I think it's pretty interesting that right now you don't seem to care about him at all," he reasoned in rebuttal. In that exact moment, April wanted nothing more than to chuck her rum and coke at his head but she figured that a bar fight wouldn't look particularly wonderful on her resume.

"You aren't some whore."

"Like you?" She countered caustically. She was in complete disbelief. "So you can go and have 'one time deals' but when I do it its suddenly against your moral standing."

"Hey, hey, I'm trying to help you here," Jackson gritted out.

"I didn't ask you to help me." She turned to walk away, but Jackson grabbed her wrist and held her in place. Lately, it felt like the only way he could get her to speak with him is if he physically forced her.

"You know what these guys are after!"

"Jackson, stop trying to take care of me," April finally snapped. She saw the alarmed look on his face and felt instantly a little guilty. She gave him a small smile to soften the blow but it did nothing. She should have suspected as much, Jackson had never let her yell at him without demanding an explanation. He probably wasn't going to choose today to start.

She was falling victim to what she'd previously loved about their friendship. If asked before the boards and sex and messiness what her favorite part of their relationship was, she would have undoubtedly said the fact that they demanded the best from each other. They had always been kind and understanding to one another, they wouldn't be able to function if they hadn't. But the fact that she could always trust Jackson to tell her when something was a lost cause or she was being insane was comforting. He had always been honest with her.

When she'd been fired, the first time, she had actually leaned on Jackson more than she thought possible. While Reed and Charles had been busy nurturing her indignation, Jackson had simply told her that she'd screwed up and now it was time to move on. The boy had even spent hours with her working on her three-ring bindered resume and mock interviews. It had proven fruitless but Jackson had always been the one to tell her when it was time to just start over.

When she'd had her pathetic crush on Shepherd, Jackson was her friend who didn't pretend they hadn't noticed or that she wasn't making a mistake. One time while drinking, he had bluntly told her that everyone knew and it was a terrible idea. He'd always found the right balance of firmness and compassion which she would forever stand in awe of.

But now that he was the one she needed to leave behind, that the heart that he'd unknowingly shattered was what she needed to move on from, he couldn't save her from this.

"So this is how it's going to be from now with us? I thought we got through this."

"Jackson, you've started moving on, I need to too. This isn't a fight, it's you not being able to let go," April let out as she yanked her arm from his grasp. She saw the look of concern on his face, and she took a deep breath in. He didn't seem to understand though she wished she could make him. She softened her voice as much as she could despite the fact that she was still angry with him. "I don't expect you to understand or be okay with this, but you can't just toss me aside and expect for me to stay there."

"I didn't toss you aside," Jackson insisted, hurt by the accusation.

"Fine, you didn't," April relented, not much in the mood for fighting with him. She never liked fighting with him. "Anyway it doesn't matter-"

"It does matter-" Jackson started but she held her finger up, silencing him.

"Because its over," April finished. "I'm going to go."

"April," he sighed out pleadingly, but she just gave him an affectionate touch on his arm and turned away.

He watched as she let her bar guy help put her coat on and grab her hand, leading out of the bar.

Moments later he felt a comforting arm wrap around his shoulders. He looked down to see the tiny, but growing figure of Meredith Grey at his side.

He'd always liked her, she'd been the most welcoming even from the get go. He especially liked that of all their coworkers, she actually was protective of April. Someone had to be now that April wouldn't let him take care of her.

"She isn't going to go through with it," Meredith promised soothingly. "April Kepner is not the girl who puts out."

* * *

April bounced around nervously as Adam led her up the stairs to his apartment.

They'd talked a little in the cab, she knew the basics. He was a hedge fund manager from Florida, he moved to Seattle to be closer to his only sibling. Didn't particularly like animals but had a soft spot for rabbits. Nothing to base a marriage on but certainly something to go off of. It was a stark contrast to all that she knew about Jackson, which was arguably everything.

The life of Jackson Avery held almost no surprises for her, and yet, he constantly shocked her.

"Here's my place," Adam stated as he stuck the key in the lock. April was practically dancing with anticipation. She couldn't believe she was actually going to do this.

"It's nice," she managed as she surveyed his hallway. She was taking this all one moment at a time but even then it was all a little overwhelming. He opened the door and held it for her, to which she smiled gratefully.

She looked around, hoping for some sign of comfort but knowing that none was coming. She was making a choice for the sake of making it. His apartment was the typical bachelor pad that she herself had inhabited when living with Alex and Jackson. Jackson...

She winced. She really wished she could just stop thinking about him, especially when basically every action she had done since December had been in the pathetic attempt to get him out of her system.

"Do you want a drink?" Matt called from behind her as he walked into his kitchen.

"No thank you," she responded, not trusting herself to drink. She supposed if she was serious about all of this, a little Dutch courage would've been kind of nice but from the moment she sat down in his car she'd begun having some serious doubts.

It was one thing to talk about going home with a boy, it was completely another in practice.

Maybe Jackson had been right, maybe she really never would be this girl.

However, the thought spurred her on a little. Maybe she hadn't been this girl before, but things changed. People changed. The boards had shown her that.

Interrupting her internal debate, Adam walked into the living room and handed her a glass of water which she thankfully took. She felt the awkward tension reach a fever pitch between them. She'd never done this before; it wasn't like she knew the proper segue.

Perhaps everyone had been right. Maybe she wasn't built for this, but that thought turned into its own little aphrodisiac.

She was so sick of being so damn dependable. Her entire life she'd been predictable and stable, and now at the sign that maybe she could have a little fun, everyone was doubting her capacities.

Deciding that maybe words were over-rated, April went in for the kill the best she knew how. She kissed him sloppily, and felt a little relieved when he instantly reciprocated.

His kiss was rough and insistent, but instead of filling her with need, she felt an uncomfortable jolt run down her spine. Not the sweet tingles that she'd grown accustom to with Jackson, but an actual physiological release of adrenaline to get her away from him.

It was like her body had yet to realize that she was submitting herself to this, instead it thought she was in some kind of trouble. He intently pushed her down on the couch as his body covered hers.

The first thing she noticed was that his couch had a suede feel to it. She liked it. It reminded her of one that she'd almost bought at Ikea when moving into the apartment she'd shared with her friends but Jackson had already bought one.

Jackson.

"Damn it," she muttered to herself, causing Adam to look at her in alarm. She gave him an encouraging smile and he returned to the ministrations he'd been applying to her neck.

She tried to force herself back to the task at hand. Though she hadn't done much beyond it, she'd conquered making out years ago and had never had a problem keeping interest.

She hated how she couldn't stop her mind from continually going back to Jackson.

It wasn't fair.

Finally unable to stand it anymore, she gave him a light shove. "Hey, can we slow down a bit?"

"I thought this was what you wanted," he pressed as he shifted his weight off of her a little.

"Yaa...yes...I know but..." April stuttered weakly. "Let's slow down."

He complied for a moment, before returning his hands to her chest.

She squirmed uncomfortably for a moment. Physically, she was sure that Adam was on par with just about any other man she could have picked up, but compared to the complete involvement that had come so easily with Jackson, she found his attempts to be lacking. She felt horrible for admitting it, albeit in her mind, but she already knew that whatever she'd gone into this to find she never would.

"I thought that we were going to slow down," April reminded, he nodded wordlessly but that didn't satiate him for long. She couldn't blame him. She knew what she'd been saying yes to and she'd come anyway.

Her mind returned to the conversation she'd had with Jackson at the bar and how he had brought up Jesus. At that moment in time, she'd thought that he'd a lot audacity to bring up religion like he cared, but suddenly she couldn't get the thought out of her head.

Jackson had only been acting as her friend, whether he had the right to or not. Religion had been the single biggest obstacle for the two of them, and all the sudden she was just throwing it away. She didn't understand it either.

"We need to stop," April murmured, knowing that the single biggest libido killer was thoughts of what God was thinking about her right now.

"Why?" Adam groaned, looking up at her petulantly. April almost felt a little bad for the dude; here he'd thought that he'd be getting a sure thing only to find out that he had tried to hook up with the single most difficult woman alive.

"Because we need to," she reasoned vaguely.

"Why?" He asked as he returned his lips to her neck.

"Because Jesus isn't going to like this," April snapped before slapping her hand against her forehead. She had yet to complete a successful one night stand, but she was fairly certain that this was not how one normally approached it. His movements stilled.

"Are you kidding me?" Adam asked in disbelief. He was looking at her like she'd grown another head."Are you serious right now?"

"Look, I am going to go," April informed as she pushed Adam off of her. She'd known this was a mistake, but she'd pushed on for the sake of following through with it. Maybe she'd liked the illusion for a few hours that she could be just like everyone else, she wasn't sure. The only thing she was certain of was that she had absolutely no intention of trying this again.

"April, come on, let's just-" Adam scrambled but she had already grabbed her purse and coat.

"No thanks," she muttered, unsure of what else to say. She could feel herself ready to cry but fought her hardest to keep the saline at bay. She hated that she cried over everything. "Have a nice night."

"Tease," Adam called after her as she walked through the door but April just shook her head ruefully and kept walking. Of course he was a jerk, she'd picked him up in a bar for heaven's sakes. That sort of thing worked for Meredith and Derek, but it wouldn't for her. Not with all of her insecurities and pulls to faith and other miscellaneous baggage that made her a little bit too complicated for her own good.

April sniffed back the tears as she shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket. She had cash on her to catch a bus or a taxi, but in the end what she had needed most was some air to clear her head.

Tonight had been a disaster. She only had herself to blame of course, everyone had warned her. Everyone was always warning her and she always ruined everything anyway. Lately it was like all of these seeds had been planted in her mind that when nurtured turned calamitous. She thought that her intentions were always decent and noble, but it didn't change the havoc that had been wreaked in her life due to her own poor decisions.

She'd been sure that this Jackson weakness could be contributed the physical intimacy they had shared. Oxytocin was released during orgasm; any doctor could tell you that. The handy little neuromodulater that was implicated in creating emotional links, found in mothers when holding their newborns and other instances of pair bonding. Also linked to building trust and lowering fear, she was sure that it had all been biological.

In her stupid, desperate mind she'd hoped that all she needed to do was experience some oxytocin with someone else and her homeostasis would be restored. She still couldn't declare that theory a complete failure as she hadn't gone through with it, but now in retrospect she wondered what she'd been thinking. Of course it hadn't been all scientific and clean-cut, life never was.

It hadn't just been the sex. She should have already known that.

Not that that particular nugget of knowledge would have done much, she laughed to herself bitterly. She'd been so damn sure that she could just fix the gaping hole in her heart with one night with a guy she didn't have to worry about leaving her when something better came along.

She'd expected it to be easy. It's not like Jackson had given her a commitment before their first time. She'd been drunk on the rush punching the Case Western Reserve douche and then standing at her door, she just knew that Jackson was what she wanted in that moment. She hadn't had time to think about it because if she had she would never have kissed him, but just the empowerment brought to her by acting without thought had proved too powerful for her.

She'd assumed that trying to give someone else her physical self would be liberating or something. In the end, all the attempt had done was made her feel dirty. It had been an entirely empty experience.

Despite her humiliation, she was grateful she'd at least come to her sense before she'd done something she'd really regret.

She turned her eyes and the sky and couldn't help but speak. "I get the point. I am done with noncommittal sex, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry."

For some reason, now she could no longer ignore what she'd been running from, her mind was filled with thoughts of Jackson which in turn caused her eyes to further well with tears.

With Jackson, she'd never had to try to force herself to go through with it. From the moment she first kissed him it had all been this undeniable, unstoppable rush of adrenaline that she been powerless to resist.

And even more confusingly, a lot of the time she hadn't wanted to.

The stupid thing was, she understood why she kept going back to him. She hadn't been able to admit it in the faint light of the bar or on Adam's couch but now, all alone on the streets of Seattle; she finally had to confront the glaringly obvious. It wasn't rocket science or brain surgery, it was simple: She loved him. Like in a big, scary, life-altering way, she had it bad. She was in love with him.

And for the life of her, she had no idea what to do about it.

He'd made it clear that they didn't have much of a future together, not that she had expected one. After the baby fiasco, she hadn't only been relieved for herself. Jackson held so much promise and she wasn't about to hold him back. She assumed that he'd be happy too.

"Please be kidding me," she pleaded to God. She loved Jackson Avery...A lot. And if the last few weeks had proven anything, it was that he was incapable of really loving her back. Sure he'd managed to scrounge up some feelings for her, but it was nothing compared to the complete all-consuming love she had for him that made her desperate for some kind of reprieve.

She wished so badly that she didn't care anymore, that she felt like there was nothing more to fight for. The logical part of her mind knew that their decimation had be definitive, that they couldn't go back but some part of her was still hopelessly clinging on. She did her very best to stop herself, but it seemed like she had a lot of faith placed in Jackson that she was certain he'd never really desire.

Everything she'd done since last April had felt like a giant cry for help. Here she was, almost thirty-one-years old and she was constantly making an ass out of herself. She'd pretended that she was fine but the simple truth was, she was hurt when he didn't call, she was hurt when he kept leaving her, she was hurt when he broke up with her, and finally, she was completely and irretrievably devastated when he'd chosen to screw Stephanie.

She knew she couldn't control him; honestly she'd be a fool to even try. Jackson Avery was his own man and rarely let himself be pushed around by anyone. She should have known that the moment he felt like he was in the free and clear that he'd be ready to go back to sowing his wild oats.

She'd been an idiot to think that she could ever be enough for him.

At the moment, all she wanted to do was to call Jackson. To tell him that he was right, that she wasn't the girl who just put out for douches who bought her a drink. To tell him that at this point he was the only person she really wanted to be intimate with and she was hard pressed to think that would ever change. Mostly, she wanted to tell him the simple truth that she was in love with him and that was why this was all so hard for her.

She loved him and he probably would never love her back, she could almost laugh at the injustice. She'd been careful with her heart, she hadn't ever fully given it to anyone ever, but Jackson still had found a way to take it from her. Sneaky bastard.

It brought her back to the lonely months she'd spent in Ohio. For all the bluster she'd tried to show post-boards no one knew the complete wreck she'd been back home. In Moline she'd been left alone with her thoughts long enough to crumble beneath their weight. Revirginizing hadn't been an instinctual reaction; it had been a last straw, Hail Mary in the attempt of being able to make it out of the abyss that had quickly become her life. She'd been left hopeless and relatively alone. Her family had done their best to understand but on a basic level they just couldn't.

There were so many times that she wished that Jackson would just show up and make everything feel alright, but she knew he never would. As much as she liked to deflect to the stand-by excuse of him not having strong feelings for her, she knew that was a cop out. He asked her to stay and she hadn't. It hadn't been some oversight; she'd knowingly made the choice to leave. It had killed her to do it, but she'd made it all the same. And she had a sneaking suspicion that Jackson was a lot of wonderful things, but he wasn't the guy who would rescue her from the life she knowingly chose.

She also thought about coming back on her own accord a million times. She wouldn't have a job or a future there, but at least she'd get some closure of knowing that he knew it had changed her very world. But time passed and before she knew it, she knew she couldn't. Sure she'd reasoned to herself that he was probably gone by then, having gone and taken his plush new gig at Tulane, but if she were to be completely honest with herself she knew that it had a lot to do with fear.

And so she had stayed, and prayed to God that she could just go back and be the person she was before. Her life hadn't been easy in Seattle but she'd never felt so alone or broken in her life. But then eventually, she started feeling a little better day by day and the world hadn't collapsed on her. She'd started to go to job interviews for other jobs as a doctor at local clinics, they hadn't proven fruitful but after enough interviews she realized that she'd eventually get a job somewhere.

She'd come to accept her new life that was full of pigs, and fields and prayer and the bible.

But then Hunt had shown up.

Everything changed, all the sudden she was going back home. Her real home, the place where despite the tragedies and hurt, she'd felt like she actually come to find herself. But also slamming into her world were the consequences of decision in San Francisco.

In the moment at her door, she hadn't thought about Jesus at all. She supposed that was to be expected when you are in the moment and the blood is coursing and the synapses of the brain are firing, that in the moment when confronted with someone as tempting as Jackson, Jesus really isn't the first thought in your mind. She honestly thought that she'd be okay, but that hadn't been the case at all.

She'd felt awful. She would never tell anyone as much because they wouldn't understand but when it came down to the careful scale, nothing withstanding, of choosing God or something else, she'd gone for the something else. When the dust settled and the ramifications fell, she couldn't believe that she wasn't who she thought she was.

That's when she realized how badly she still needed Jesus. Because whether it made scientific sense or not, he'd always been the only one she could turn to when life had gotten like this. It was in the darkness that was Moline for her that she promised herself that she would do whatever she could to feel like she was on good terms with God. She'd sacrifice whatever she had to to feel that grace again.

And it had been difficult when she couldn't get Jackson to understand it. Just like she couldn't force him to feel her faith, she couldn't turn it off if she wanted to.

If she were to be completely honest with herself, that was where most of their problems had lay. Jackson had asked for more and she couldn't give it to him because he didn't understand her. Until he eventually stopped trying.

The thought circled her mind over and over again, like the rounds she used to sing in kindergarten.

After about an hour, her legs tired and cold from the chill, April sighed and stood at the nearest bus stop she came up. She lived right next to the station so it would have to go back there eventually, she reasoned. It wasn't like she was in a rush to get home. She was pleasantly surprised when almost immediately

The bus itself was relatively empty, but she assumed that was to be expected at one in the morning. There was an ancient looking woman sitting in the front, a man holding a bag of frozen peas over a black eye, a group of giggly college-aged girls, a guy around her age staring out the window and a smattering of other late night characters.

She walked to somewhere near the middle of the bus and collapsed on the bench. She felt like she'd lived her lifetime today.

"I know I probably don't deserve it, but I need some help here. Please, I need a sign that everything is going to be okay," April muttered under her breath in prayer as she rested her head in her hands. Her mind was racing, how could she really have thought that a one night stand would fix anything? She was better than that.

"Dr. Kepner," someone addressed as they took the seat next to her. She quickly wiped away the tears in her eyes and looked up. To her astonishment, she had no idea who the man who sat next to her was. He was tall from what she could tell and had light brown hair. She'd be lying if she said he wasn't attractive but for the life of her she couldn't place him.

"Do I know you?" April asked in confusion. While it probably lacked social grace, she wasn't in the position to care. Her capacity to conceal anything had been chipped away by her own lunacy.

"Probably not but I know you," he stated without a hint of being offended. She was glad. She was going to try to avoid burning bridges if she could help it.

"I'm sorry, I'm-" she searched for any decent explanation.

"Crying on a bus?" He supplied helpfully, causing her to smile a little. At least he didn't beat around the bush.

"Yeah, that," she shrugged. "You can call me April," she said, extending her hand.

"Matt," he replied, giving her hand a small shake. "I'm an EMT and so-"

"Oh," April nodded, suddenly making sense of it. She'd never gotten very close to the paramedics but she worked closely with them. Closely enough that she ought to have been able to pick him out of a crowd. She felt a little guilty. "Have we worked together?"

Matt nodded. "Just a few weeks ago I brought in a burn patient that you took along with Avery."

"I feel awful, I'm sorry-" April began but he just waved off her apology with a careless hand.

"That's really to be expected. Doctors usually keep their eyes on the poor bastard on the stretcher," Matt admitted giving her a winning grin. He was pretty, she admitted to herself begrudgingly. She didn't have the best track record with really attractive people. "As a general rule it's a good thing but it does make me kind of a stalker to you people."

"Is that so?"

"I actually know a lot about you," Matt revealed easily, giving her a challenging eyebrow.

"Should I be worried?" April couldn't help but ask.

"Maybe a little," he answered teasingly, causing her grin to grow. "So brings you to tears on the bus? Is it just some general self-loathing or did someone break your heart?"

"Both," April muttered bitterly, not having much use for dignity at that precise moment. Normally she wouldn't have the courage to straight up answer that question, but tonight had rid her of her illusions of control.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Will you tell anyone if I do?" She challenged and he shook his head. She honestly needed someone and he was asking. Normally she was more private than this but tonight had done a number on her."I tried to hook up with someone and it did not go well." She thought that was quite the understatement, but she wasn't about to admit the real downfall to some guy on the bus.

"Ah, you tried to have revenge sex against Avery," Matt's face lit up.

"No," April insisted petulantly, a little put out. "I just decided to-"

"To sleep with someone to get back at Avery for the intern," Matt finished for her. Part of her wanted to snap that he didn't know her well enough to have a stake in this, but she was so thankful to finally have someone to talk to she let it slide.

"Does everyone know about that?" April blushed. "About him and the intern I mean?"

Matt stayed conspicuously silent before giving her a guilty smile. Of course everyone knew, it was her life after all. She was the one who told Alex to begin with.

"It wasn't to get back at him," April revealed insistently, "it was to get away from him. I just needed a clean break."

"And you thought that sex would give you that?"

April gave a timid nod and Matt weighed the thought for a moment.

"That sounds a lot like revenge sex," Matt pressed earning a swat on the arm from April.

"It was not revenge sex," she insisted weakly. "Alright, it was, a little but I couldn't do it because I have a disease."

He looked at her concernedly causing her to glare at him.

"A metaphorical disease, not a real one," she clarified. "I'm incapable of stopping myself from making terrible decisions, and when I do, it's completely awkward."

"Do you know what you have?" Matt asked after a quiet moment. She appreciated that he took the time to hear what she said and deliberate before he responded.

"Self-determination to a near pathological degree?"

"Balls, April, you've got balls," he said loudly, earning a glare from the old woman in the front of the bus. "Not really, she's a lady, person, I'm fairly sure." He nodded at the woman who just snorted and returned to her knitting. "You're a woman, right?"

April couldn't help but squeal in laughter. After the night she had, this was definitely the highlight. "Yeah, I am."

"It's a nice thought, revenge sex, but I've never really seen it work well for a woman. But you took control of the situation which ought to be commended. And to be fair, you were a virgin. Sex is a big game changer," Matt commented diplomatically, earning large, doe eyes from April. "Maybe it was worth a shot."

He finished decisively, waiting for her to react to his observations but April's mind was was spinning.

"Wow, you just go for the big stuff, don't you?" He hadn't been kidding when he said he knew a lot about her.

"I don't mince words," Matt agreed seriously. "I've found that if you tell people straight up what you know and expect you avoid misunderstandings."

April nodded to what he was saying, it made a lot of sense. Here she'd been trying to be discrete and keep her cards close to her chest and it hadn't done much good.

"Do you think its creepy I know all of this?" He inquired bashfully.

April shook her head unenthusiastically. "You told me you knew a lot."

"Yes, but its weirdly in depth," Matt admitted. "Why am I saying this to you? I'm trying to impress you here."

"Here I thought I kept a low profile and now I find out that everyone was just humoring me," she murmured with a shake of her head, she chose to ignore that he said he was trying to impress her. She wasn't quite sure what she'd do with that knowledge if she owned up to it.

"It's not like that," Matt insisted. "I kind of well...I asked about you."

"Really? Stalker," April teased with a laugh. She actually thought it was a little sweet.

Matt nodded sheepishly. "You're different than other surgeons; I wanted to know a little more about you. After getting yelled at by Yang so many times you're like a breath of fresh air."

"Who did you ask?"

"Interns mostly," he admitted. "There was also the occasional nurse, who all seem to love you for the record."

"I bake them cookies for Christmas," April confessed conspiratorially. It was her own little ritual, one that she didn't discuss with her fellow surgeons. It had started when she was an intern, she baked sugar cookies for all the nurses on the floor in hopes that it would give her an advantage. It had actually been a smashing success and she'd carried on the tradition.

"I know, Shauna told me," he informed.

"Whose Shauna?" April asked with a wince. She honestly should have been paying better attention. These were people too!

"Pretty ER nurse, she had a baby last year," Matt described. "She sort of...well, she has this stutter that's a little distracting."

"Oh," April's face filled with understanding. She worked with that particular nurse a lot and she really liked her. Though always professional, she was really pleasant. "She's great."

"I know, and really nice too," Matt agreed.

"Seriously, I'm starting to wonder if I know anyone who isn't a surgeon in that place, "April shook her head lightly.

"You know people, just not the cool ones," Matt teased with an impish expression. "Really I wouldn't worry about it. You're actually known as the nice surgeon of the attendings."

She knew he meant it as a compliment but she'd been part of the hospital hierarchy long enough that it was code for soft. She had to be nice to the auxiliary workers because she wasn't good enough to justify being rude to them. Had she been Yang she could get away with it.

"Well, at least I'm not known as the Jesus freak." She watched as Matt shifted his eyes away guiltily, causing her stomach to plummet. "Oh no, I really am! How do they even know?"

"I have a 'honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker," Matt offered lamely, not answering her question. "I didn't put it there, you see I bought the car used from some Seventh Day Adventists, cool people by the way, but I haven't been able to take it off because really, how do you remove Jesus?"

April chuckled appreciatively. She had to give Matt credit for being able to keep everything light despite the fact that she'd been on the verge of tears when the conversation started. He'd been exactly what she needed. He continued without further prompting

"Do you know what your problem is?"

"Oh, so you've discovered my problem after five minutes of talking to me," April chuckled humorlessly. "You should have gone into therapy."

"You don't go after what you want. Even when we're bringing in patients, you always wait for everyone else to have their pick. You need some more fight. Just to go for it, you know?"

"Oh, and you're an expert on that?"

"I want you," Matt admitted bluntly.

"Au...ah...uh...ehh..hoooo...What?" April stammered gracelessly. She hadn't expected that.

"I'm one of the lucky few who can tell right away whether or not I like something. I like you. Am I being too bold for you?" He asked conversationally. She could honestly say that she'd never met anyone quite like him.

April nodded panicked. She was fairly certain that her eyes practically bugging out of her head wasn't an attractive look but she was beyond help in that area.

"That's a shame," Matt shrugged dispassionately. "I guess I'll have to cool it down a bit."

"That might be best," she sighed awkwardly. Honestly, he'd been exactly what she needed tonight but she'd been all over the map tonight. She couldn't be held liable for any further stupid decisions she made tonight.

"You did just get thrown aside by the dude you gave your virginity to, you're probably emotionally vulnerable," Matt remarked as if he were discussing college football and not her deepest insecurities.

"Well thank you for putting it so simply, I would hate to think you were holding back," April deadpanned but Matt just gave a nudge with his elbow. She tried to be offended but it didn't hold much weight. Somehow his charm had completely disarmed her. "Honestly, you wouldn't want me, I'm a lot more trouble than I'm worth at the moment."

"I don't mind a reasonable amount of trouble," he said earnestly.

"Maltese Falcon!" April exclaimed as her eyes widened excitedly. "I'm impressed."

"It's a good movie," Matt chuckled as April nodded emphatically. "You seem to agree."

"My parents were really strict growing up. My mom wouldn't let us watch any movie over PG until after she'd seen it and could vouch for it unless it was made before 1960 then in which everything was fair game," April reminisced happily. She'd had a really good childhood. No one here would understand it, but she'd really liked the way she'd been brought up. She harbored no ill feelings. "Maltese Falcon was my favorite noir film."

"Now I kind of want to watch 'Double Indemnity'."

"That was my mom's favorite," April confessed for the sake of small talk. They'd cover some big stuff in their time together, but that didn't stop her from using the usual tactics of keeping the conversation light.

"You actually remind me a little of my mom," Matt said causing April's eyebrows to shoot up in alarm. He winced ashamed, "Okay and that definitely wasn't sexy."

April shook her head, fighting a laugh. "No, no I can't say it was."

"I really love my mom," Matt expounded. "Not creepishly, I don't live with her or anything. All the appropriate boundaries are set. But she's a pretty stand up lady."

"Mine too," she sighed out. Sure her mom could be a little crazy and intense (which she had passed down to her daughters) but her mother loved people unconditionally in a way that April aspired to emulate. It was actually nice to be around someone with a happy home life, all of her friends had either tense or nonexistent relationships with their parents so she didn't often get to talk about her family in a flattering light. "I have a great mom."

"Maybe that's why you're different than all the others," he hypothesized seriously. He looked at her like she was a puzzle he was trying to figure out. "You're well adjusted."

"What?" She was actually a little flattered that he thought she was well adjusted. She almost wanted to record it and play it for Karev.

"Think about it," he commanded. "What emotionally healthy person wants a career where they cut people open and mess with their insides?"

"What person wants to be an EMT?" She countered. "You do a lot of the gross stuff with none of the glory."

"I'm awesome in emergency situations, it's sexy," he insisted playfully.

"Yeah until you bring up your mother," April shot back, he faked being wounded and she couldn't suppress a laugh.

"And I've just been verbally castrated. Tonight has been a great night for my ego."

"You poor baby," she sighed mockingly apologetic. "I'm sorry that hurt your feelings by being mean."

"It's okay, you're just bitter and heartbroken. The hero will live to ride another day," he jovially expressed causing April nudge him with her shoulder as the bus rolled to a stop. "And now it's time for him to go home and sleep it off."

"Oh," April couldn't help but feel a little disappointed.

"Well, it was nice talking to you Dr. April," Matt declared easily. "Is it alright if I say that I'm glad the revenge sex didn't go well?"

April teasingly shook her head in the negative and Matt smiled kindly.

"Well, all the same, I'm glad that we got to talk," he said with sincerity that made almost all of April's reservations melt. "Do me a favor and look up next time." He gave her shoulder a light squeeze and exited the bus, leaving April to try to piece the whole experience together.

April turned her eyes heavenward and smiled genuinely. She'd asked for a sign and from the looks of it, she'd gotten it. "You're good. Thank you." And as soon as she whispered the words aloud, she'd gotten the peaceful reassurance that she and God would be okay whatever they went through together.


	5. Chapter 5

_**AN: So, updates on this story will still be fairly regular but with the springing up of new, real life commitments I don't make a ton of promises that it will continue bi-weekly. Granted I haven't done a great job at that to start with. That's just life, I didn't plan it but it's still good. I'm really sorry, I just got super busy. Do with this information what you will.  
**_

_**This chapter gave me some issues. Eventually you have to just accept that the stars are not aligning and to go with what you have. I promise more for the next one.  
**_

_**Thanks for reading!  
**_

_**Also-I don't own anything.  
**_

* * *

She was at the nurses' station charting. He probably could have guessed that. Lately, it was the only place he ever saw her.

He wasn't keen on apologizing, not when he had only been looking out for her. But at the end of the day he'd rather bite the bullet and take the blame than obsess over whether he'd committed an egregious crime of friendship. Lately, all he could do was wait for the straw to break the camel's back and he despised it.

Jackson took in a deep breath, hoping to dissipate the nerves that were suddenly coming over him. He'd never had problems talking to April before, she was his best friend, but suddenly with the entire world shifted on its axis. He clutched the two cups of coffee he'd picked up a little tighter, in some wayward attempt to gain strength from his peace-offering.

"April," he said as he placed the cup of coffee conspicuously on the counter in front of her.

"Hey Jackson," April greeted back but her eyes stayed on the chart. He was happy to hear no resentment in her voice, but he was still concerned.

They stood in silence for a moment before Jackson finally couldn't take it anymore. She'd never been one who made uncomfortable conversations easy, electing to not say anything.

"Look, I'm sorry," Jackson began awkwardly. "You are a grown adult, you should be able to make your own choices-"

"I didn't go through with it," April interjected in admission. "I...you were right, I'm not that girl. I thought I could be but I-I'm just not." She gave a wry shake of the head that Jackson fought to not find adorable. It killed him a little really, that all of these subconscious acts and forces of habit used to do absolutely nothing to him and now they practically made his day.

She decided against telling him the full truth, that she had literally spiraled out of control. Because while she'd been misguided in her intentions to move on from Jackson, she hadn't been wrong. Holding onto him would only cause her heartache that was unnecessary to the millionth degree.

"No, you're not," Jackson agreed honestly. "You're better."

She never knew how to respond when he said things like that. It wasn't like he hadn't been rather sweet to her back before everything, that had always been a big part of their friendship. For some reason unbeknownst to her, his smooth voice always held a hint of tenderness when he spoke to her. She used to love it but now all it served to do was confuse her. Prone to over-thinking, April had a difficult weighing the evidence lately. Everything was far messier than she would ever choose for it to be. Forcing herself to let the issue lie, April blushed bashfully. "Thanks for saying that."

"I mean it," Jackson insisted earnestly.

"I know," April smiled, willing herself not to completely melt. Ever since her night on the streets of Seattle she'd been reevaluating things. In all honesty, there was a lot about her feelings for Jackson that she couldn't quite sort out. And if she were going to be honest with herself, she didn't know if she'd be able to sort it out with him around. "And its sweet."

"So are you okay?" He asked, not wanting to dwell on her words. He had been worried sick about her all weekend. He hadn't felt good about how they left things but stubbornness had kept him from calling her. He hadn't been without action though. He would never admit it as long as he lived, but he drove by her apartment the following evening and was pleased to see her light on. At that point, it had been enough for him to be assured that the creep hadn't chopped her up and fed her to his dogs.

April weighed the question carefully. She'd been all over the place. But valuing any room to breath and privacy over intimacy, she chose to give a terse nod. "Yeah, I'm good, thanks."

"Do you want to hang out later? I haven-" He began but she just looked at him in disbelief.

"Jackson," she shook her head chidingly. He didn't seem to get it. All she wanted was for him to leave her alone and he wouldn't do that.

"What?" He was sure he looked surprised; he was. They used to live with each other and now so much as five minutes in her company was too much to ask.

She gave a weak, rueful smile and grabbed the chart and her cup of coffee. "Nothing, I have a patient."

Before he could get another word in she was gone.

Yep, he was definitely over her always being the one to run away.

* * *

April moaned softly as she bit into her red apple as she rested her head against the wall behind the empty hospital bed she was sitting on. Her day had been an ordeal. No trauma patients had come in so she'd been doing mostly general work which always left her with mixed feelings. At the end of the day, it wasn't much different but she didn't like the time it gave her to trauma, she was so busy cracking ribs and finding bleeders that she didn't have the option to worry whether or not other people thought she was capable but with the extra time to breath, it made her acutely aware that there were other surgeons more qualified than she.

And then there was Jackson. She hadn't seen him since the morning but that had only been because she'd been careful to avoid anywhere he might be. Even now, she didn't dare go to the cafeteria but had elected to eat by the pit instead. She knew it was childish, but she wanted nothing more than to be away from him.

It was bad enough that he always seemed to be on her mind.

It was like she couldn't shut him out. She loved him, she was well aware of that. But she didn't want to love him. It hadn't done any good, it hadn't saved her from any heartache.

She wasn't sure how she was supposed to go back to being his friend. At this point being in the same room with him was unbearable.

"So, what am I going to have to do to get you to go out with me?" She heard as she felt someone sit next to her. She didn't have to look over to know who it was, but she did anyway.

Matt smiled brightly at her, nudging her with his elbow.

"What are you doing here?" she posed, placing the apple temporarily on the lunch sack her lap.

"Heart attack," Matt answered with a glib expression. "The guys alive, he's in surgery with Russell right now."

April nodded in understandingly.

"You never answered me," Matt stated as he picked up one of the granola bars April had next to her and carefully peeled off the wrapper.

"Why yes Matt, eat my food, help yourself," April deadpanned but he just looked at her pointedly. "I don't know your last name. For all I know you could be a serial killer."

"I'm not," Matt countered. "But if I were a serial killer I would never admit to it. And my last name wouldn't help you at all because I haven't been caught yet so boom. But its Sutton, so you know. My middle name's Carmichael if that is going to help you in your Google search or something."

"Matthew Carmichael Sutton," April verbalized. "Has a nice ring to it."

"My middle's after my mom's maiden name," Matt revealed.

"What is it with you and your mother?"

He shot her a playful glower causing her to melt a little. He was an attractive guy, not on par with Jackson but still, she had to admit he was fun to look at. "For that I get some of your pretzels."

She repentantly offered the bag and he took a handful.

"Do you have a middle name?" He asked interestedly.

April nodded. "Diane."

"April Diane Kepner," Matt announced as if he were commentating on a football game. "Nice, strong mid-western name."

"Thanks," April beamed at him.

"So now that we're on a middle name basis, go out with me," he commanded confidently, causing April to choke a little.

"I thought you were pulling back?" April teased in hopes of deflecting the question.

"I changed my mind," he shrugged honestly. "I think you need someone to take charge."

"Oh, as my own personal therapist or as my stalker?" April countered defensively causing him to grin.

"Both," he insisted in mock seriousness.

"If I say yes, are you going to tell me I'm like your mom again?" April asked with an impish grin causing Matt to shake his head in mock solemnity.

"I can't show you all my A-game at once, I need to know you like me for me and not my kickass moves," Matt stated conspiratorially. She liked that about him, he seemed to know exactly what he wanted and was alright owning up to it. "Anyway, go out with me."

"I don't know if that's a good idea," April hedged. In the approximately 72 hours since she was made aware of Matt's existence, she'd found that she enjoyed being around him. But one night over sharing on a bus wasn't exactly foundation for a lasting relationship. She'd been friends with Jackson for year's and that had all still been a waste.

"Why not?" Matt challenged playfully, unfazed. April bit her lip timidly for a moment, calculating her answer.

"Because, we work together," she said softly. "I don't want it to be awkward-"

"We worked together for like, two years and you couldn't pick me out in a barely occupied bus," Matt interjected with a pressing smile.

"I didn't recognize you out of your uniform," April lied in mock defiance.

"You asked me my name and basically admitted to not knowing me," Matt said, standing his ground. He folded his arms for show and April couldn't suppress a grin. "Don't change the facts."

"Fine," April surrendered, sufficiently humbled. "I didn't know you, but I do now and if you end up being less than I expect-"

"I won't," Matt assured. "This level of charisma only intensifies with exposure. You'll basically want to tattoo my name on your ass by the end of the night."

"Is that so?" April questioned skeptically.

"Probably not but give a guy props for trying," Matt admitted. "Go out with me."

"Why?"

"'Cause I like you, including the fact that you're apparently pretty difficult," Matt persuaded. "And, you're not afraid to stick your hands in other people's body cavities. I find I like that in a woman."

April let out a snort against her will before trying unsuccessfully to disguise it as a cough.

"You're caving," Matt taunted.

"No, I'm not," April insisted. "I am so not dating you."

"Oh," his face flooded with concern. "Are you back to booty-calling Avery? Because if so-"

She shot him a look that told him in no uncertain terms to cease and desist.

"No Avery," he observed relieved. "Well, that's good news. I saw that black-eye he gave Karev that one time and I wasn't looking forward to that."

April rolled her eyes, Matt had the quickest rebound rate of anyone she'd ever met. "Jackson wouldn't punch you."

"So he just punches Karev? Can't say I blame him, I'd probably want to punch Karev too if I could swing it," by the look of wistfulness on his face April could tell that Alex had made a lasting impression on Matt and it had hardly been good.

"Alex isn't that bad," April defended weakly despite the fact that she didn't feel much need to. Though they'd learned to tolerate each other alright, she and Alex would never be the closest friends.

"Whatever you say," Matt replied dispassionately. "I actually don't care. Just say you'll go out with me and then I can go rescue people."

"Shouldn't you be doing that already?"

"Oh my hell woman," Matt groaned. "You're stubborn. And I actually have to go, but next time, next time you will say yes to me so hard that-"

"I don't think I want to hear that statement," April interjected, handing him one more granola bar as he rose to his feet. He gave her one last wave before departing and April felt her smile falter.

She didn't know why she hadn't wanted to answer him. She hadn't wanted to say no because she really did like Matt. He was fun and she could see her feelings for him growing if she gave them the chance.

And yet, if he had pressed, she would have turned him down.

She wished that she wouldn't have been able to pinpoint why but she had a very good idea.

Then suddenly all she could think of was how much she hated San Francisco.

* * *

He had lied to her. He wondered how long it would take her to figure it out. He knew she would, though trusting April Kepner was anything but stupid. He knew she'd see through it eventually, but he didn't much care.

Jackson guiltily shifted his weight from one foot to another as he waited for April to arrive. He probably shouldn't have lied to her, not when she made no bones about her disinterest at the prospect of spending any time with him.

But that was exactly why he had to see her.

She was pulling away, he wasn't stupid. And as much as he never wanted to deceive her. But she was making everything so damned difficult.

He reasoned that he acted scared of a freaking little mouse, that was hardly good for his masculinity. He'd made sacrifices too. He didn't want to manipulate her.

But even more, more than anything he could ever imagine, he didn't want to lose her.

He wanted her back, that much was certain. As much as he was thankful that they'd come to a tentative peace, he still missed her like crazy. And though he felt like a jackass admitting it, it wasn't her friendship he missed.

He wouldn't suppose to have fallen completely in love with her, she hadn't let him in enough for that to really be a possibility. But in the quiet moments they shared, between all the cries to Jesus and shouts of a different nature, he'd envisioned a future with April he couldn't quite let go of. He had never been much of a planner or plotter, he'd leave that to the April types, but when it had come down to the wire, he knew that a life with April couldn't possibly be bad.

It could never be bad.

One moment he had an entire life planned for them and then suddenly it was gone. Not to mention April had never wanted it to begin with.

But in the silliest way imaginable, he had fallen in love with their future. He'd fallen in love with the life they could have shared.

She was rewriting history and it was killing him. He knew how she was interpreting all of the recent murkiness between them, he was a seasoned veteran at reading her after all. She'd see it as a sign that he hadn't cared for her or that he'd somehow changed his mind. And it couldn't be further from the truth.

He wouldn't be with someone who didn't want to be with him, he had decided that after Lexie.

He heard the rapid knocking on the door and opened it widely.

"Where is it?" April asked abruptly, throwing her purse on the couch in the living room as she marched in. She hadn't wanted to come, but after he reminded her of her strong farm genes and she couldn't say no to him.

"I don't know, it scampered away," Jackson lied.

"Do you have any holes in the baseboard?" April questioned, scouring the floor with her eyes.

"I don't know," Jackson shrugged.

They continued on this trajectory for a while, April peppering him with questions that Jackson was unable to answer. Finally, April blinked in understanding.

"There wasn't a mouse, was there?" April gritted out, by the look of rage in her eyes, Jackson knew she meant business. It wasn't often that April Kepner looked positively feral but he knew that she wasn't to be trifled with when she did.

"It must have run away," Jackson persisted but she shot him a caustic look that withered his resolve. He smiled at her guiltily but it did nothing in way of calming her down.

"You're killing me here Jackson," April yelled as she collapsed on his couch. She buried her head in her hands, hoping that would do something to assuage her anger. It didn't.

"I'm sorry," Jackson confessed, trying to lay out the mitigating factors. "I just didn't think you'd come if-"

"No, I wouldn't have," April let out, "that's the point! The point is, I don't want to be here! I don't want to be around you. If I wanted to be here, then you wouldn't have to lie about a freaking mouse!"

"How am I supposed to make this right if you won't give me a chance to so much as talk to you?"

"I don't want you to make it right, I want you to leave me alone," April began to sob.

"Stop smothering me!" April begged in shout, she saw his startled response and softened. But it was only by a little. "For the love Jackson." She sighed out and he looked at her in concern.

"April," he tried to soothe but she just smiled at her ruefully. "I'm not smothering you."

"But you are," she said, shifting her eyes to anywhere but his face. She knew it was time to be honest, but it was still hard. "Every time I try to take a step away from you, you just pull me back in and it isn't fair. You got to move on, why don't I?"

"So now we can't be friends?" Jackson challenged.

"We aren't fighting about our friendship Jackson and we both know that," April shot back wearily.

"I don't want to lose you," Jackson responded honestly.

"You should have thought of that before...," April trailed deliberately, carefully mulling over each word before it left her mouth. She had done so much damage by speaking carelessly, she wasn't about to again. "Before _everything. _We're supposed to be moving on."

Everything was pear-shaped these days and she hated it. Before their physical relationship, their interactions had been so innocent and easy. It had been like second nature. But now in the face of their decimation, resentment and betrayal pooled together and she couldn't begin to separate where the Jackson who had always been her dearest friend and the Jackson who she loved and had hurt her began or ended.

If she pulled at a single thread of it, like how he hadn't called or how he had moved on so quickly, the beautiful relationship they had seemed to unravel. And for the life of her she didn't know what to do about that.

"It's easier said then done though, right?" Jackson questioned. He hated hearing his voice break as the words reverberated in the thick air between them. "I ended it because I thought it was the right thing to do, but what if-"

"You do not get to live in the land of 'what if's' Jackson Avery," April cut off him with a clipped tone. She couldn't bear to hear anymore. If he said something charming, she would just want him more and end up disappointed. She had to let go eventually and she already had a head start this time. They wouldn't work, they had proved that, and it was never going to hurt less giving him up. But she had to do it anyway.

She still couldn't stand to face him, but she knew that from the sniffling that he was probably close to tears as well. Hers were flowing freely now and she couldn't quite decide if she wanted him to join her or not. On the one hand, Jackson rarely cried and as such she was almost touched by the possibility of the gesture. On the other hand, someone had to keep a cool head and that was normally her charming, stubborn best friend. "We both made choices, I think this is the part where we get to live with them."

"So everything with us, it's just done," Jackson questioned imploringly. "Just like that."

"You slept with an intern, it was already done," April enunciated spitefully, daring to peek up at him. All across his face was sketched a nameless confusion but she wasn't going to spell it out for him. There was no merit in revealing your heart to someone while you tried to take it back.

"You told me you were over that," Jackson groaned out. "How are you still angry about this? You keep telling me we're fine and then all the sudden, it's front and center like it never left. Is Stephanie ever going to stop biting me in the ass?"

Jackson suppressed a chuckle at April's horrified expression. Yes the situation was bleak but inside every grown man was a twelve-year-old boy. She always was easy to wind up. "Sorry, poor choice of words."

She rolled her eyes slightly in acknowledgement. And people said she had problems thinking before she spoke.

"It isn't just Stephanie, it's all of it." She motioned with her hands wildly, hoping to somehow convey the enormity of which she was talking about.

"What do you mean 'all of it'," Jackson questioned heatedly. She recognized the stubborn streak that was coming out in him, she knew it well.

"It's been a wreck, even from the very start!" April declared, outraged. She wasn't sure if he was playing stupid or if he was trying to piss her off. "From the very beginning it's been this exercise in how badly we can screw each other over and still walk away."

"That isn't true," Jackson argued.

"You left me. That first night, you left me," April insisted. It was a low blow, she was well aware of it but she didn't begrudge herself. After all the weeks of guilt and blame laying her sense of self-preservation had finally kicked in. Whatever misguided acts he'd committed were in her arsenal, all of the empty promises and confirmations at her disposal. She wasn't above playing dirty. She was too tired to be graceful.

"You kicked me out, I would have stayed and you kicked me out," Jackson countered. "And you actually don't have a leg to stand on. I asked you not to go back to Ohio and you didn't give me a second thought."

His tone startled her in a way that she hadn't anticipated. There was resentment there, she'd never suspected that. At a different time she would have wondered if it meant anything but she was embroiled to care. The time for analyzing was over. It was becoming painstakingly clear to her that it was time to take whatever out she could get. That didn't stop her from responding to his accusation.

"How would you know? How do you know that I didn't think about it? I thought about you every stupid minute of every stupid, God-forsaken day so don't go there because I did think about you! Trust me, I missed you." April retorted. "You never bothered to call me."

"The phone rings both ways April," Jackson stated angrily. "Did you even miss me at all? Hell, do you miss me now?"

"Of course I do," April bellowed. "But missing you isn't enough to fix all of this!"

"It would be if you would just let go of the past."

She snorted derisively. "You're giving me tips on letting go? When you lied to get me here? That is rich Jackson."

"I wouldn't have to if you weren't being so stubborn." Though neither dared to speak it, they were both aware they weren't talking about their friendship. Their friendship had evolved into something infinitely more complex and life-consuming and April for one wasn't sure how to force it back into the carefully crafted box that they'd maintained over the year.

Back when they had all of these boundaries and lines in the sand, it never hurt like this. And as much as she loved Jackson, the only thing she could think of was getting the hurt to stop.

"You know what," April finally sighed in frustration, "Stay away from me."

The words were spoken in haste, if she could have predicted the hurt on his face she never would have said them. But the moment that they were formed she knew that this was her out. She was aware that in the light of day she probably wouldn't be proud of it but she was beyond trying to grow into someone else. Her mind was on survival.

"April," Jackson tried to reason

"We keep having this same fight over and over again and it's not going anywhere. And it's like, we are friends by the most pathetic, barest of definitions because neither one of use wants to own up to the fact that this is awkward," April explained calmly. She was sure she looked like a mess with all the crying she'd done before but she couldn't help it. She'd finally reached the breaking point, the place where she couldn't lie or pretend anymore. They weren't fine and they probably never would be again. It was time to accept it and move on.

"April, we're best friends," Jackson tried to reason with her to little avail.

"I think you're trying to romanticize our friendship," the tone of her voice was raw, even and defeated, like all the fighting had brought her to a point where all the fight was gone. "Jackson, you know I love you but…Jackson we went years barely knowing each others name. You remember that? Intern year at Mercy West and you and I didn't really speak other than for work? And then after that how all we ever talked about was sports which by the way, I know nothing about. You act like we have this bond that transcends all of this garbage but the truth is we were friends because we needed to be. We didn't have any other option. So maybe we just need to accept that it was awesome while it lasted but now we don't have to force it and live our lives."

"We've been through a lot together April. You want to give all of that up?" Jackson was angry, she could see it. She didn't particularly blame him. But honestly the work they were putting in to try to save their failing friendship far exceeded what she thought they could realistically get from it now. It was basic economics, when cost exceeded benefit the product was useless.

"I'm sorry," she said as kindly as she could. She knew that her voice sounded terribly weak and she hated it. For the first time, she wished she could be more like Cristina. Yang never sounded weak when she was sure about something, at least not that April had ever seen. And April was sure about this. It would suck and hurt like hell, but at least it would minimize the damage they were inflicting on each other.

A clean break was their only option. She was certain of it.

"I can't believe you want this," Jackson stated wryly. For some reason during the course of this conversation, he had begun memorizing the dotted patterns on the ceiling tiles. He knew that no one would probably ask what the ceiling looked like the night that his best friend decided to cut him out of her life but he thought that information might be helpful regardless. "How could you want this?"

He was sure that in some messed up April Kepner way this was sensible and poetic in some cosmic way. That's how April functioned, he was starting to notice. She'd take the coward's way out and somehow convince herself that it was somehow refining and essential to her progression as a human being. That had really been the biggest surprise about getting into a relationship with her; the fact that happy, shiny April was kind of a train wreck deep down.

"I have so many wonderful memories of you," April began, hoping to give him just a little understanding. She didn't want to hurt him, not at all, but she was damn sure that she couldn't do this any more. "Memories of you being such an amazing friend to me. There was so many times where I could count on you when everyone else let me down, and I don't want you to think that means nothing to me. I will always be so grateful for that. I am so thankful that I've had you in my life for so long because you…you are amazing. But…but I don't want to lose all the good memories because I used them all up trying to justify our friendship when we're being awful to one another. What I'm trying to say is, I would rather lose you and remember you in the best way than to keep resenting you Jackson."

_And there it is_, Jackson thought to himself. The pretty worded explanation to why she was pushing him away. With all the right phrases it sounded like the inspired thing to do, but they both knew she was bailing.

To be honest, he had thought what they had before had been inspired.

But once again, he was finding he was wrong.

"What does this mean for work?" Jackson found himself saying. Deep down he knew that arguing the point any further would've been useless and April wasn't the only one tired of all the yelling. He'd always been pretty even-tempered, and lately he'd found himself falling asleep with a sore throat because he had shouted it raw. He'd broken up with her because he didn't want to be the mistake she was making anymore. Two months hadn't changed that.

Now all he could think about was minimizing the fall out.

"We'll be okay," April said as she fought back the tears that were threatening to spill. "We're both adults and professionals, we will be fine. Besides, it's not like we work together every single day. We just need to minimize our alone time."

"I can do that." Jackson nodded.

"Maybe after we both get some air, we'll be able to go back but-" April offered feebly. Internally, she felt completely awful. A lot of what she said had been a lie, she knew that much, but some lasting pigheadedness wouldn't let her admit it aloud. She really needed some room to breathe, regardless of she could have better handled the situation. In the end, she was just too tired to fix what she wasn't sure was fixable. "But for right now I need space."

She wiped the remaining tears from her eyes, and grabbed her purse from his couch. "I should go."

To her ultimate dismay or relief, of which she wasn't quite pinpoint, Jackson roughly wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. It wasn't an act of need, like so many of their other physical displays but of comfort. Of unadulterated love and loyalty which April knew she would badly miss. To be honest, despite the fact she had wanted this and more importantly needed this, she was terrified.

The world was a cruel place, she didn't have to be a surgeon to see all the suffering, and now she had to sort through all the pain that it had to offer without the only person on the planet that understood her on even a basic level. The world was a terrible place to feel alone.

Clean breaks be damned, moving on was hard, April could finally admit to herself. In terms that she could no longer deny or defend if she could formulate the words, she wished that she wasn't just a heartbroken girl looking for some peace of mind at the expense of her best friend. As he held her tightly, April grew acutely aware of everything she had to leave behind and she resented it. She pressed her cheek against his chest, and could practically hear his heart beating. It killed her a little, but she was serious when she said that it was time for them to live with their choices.

The odd limbo they had found for themselves would do nothing but prolong the inevitable day where they could no longer justify being around each other. She knew she was fast approaching that line in the sand and had a sneaking suspicion that Jackson was nearing in as well. He was less prone to outbursts than she, but even he in his near infinite patience wouldn't cling to a sinking ship forever.

"I'm going to miss you April Kepner," Jackson admitted heart-breakingly soft in her ear.

She nodded pathetically, not trusting her voice. She wished so badly that she didn't need space, that she didn't need to be away from him. But she needed a break. She needed some time to get over him and she knew that it simply wasn't possible being around him.

She looked up at him one final time, startled by his intense gaze. The look was simple, and devastatingly enough, way too complicated for April to read. It implored her to take it back, to forgive him, to get over herself and her own stubbornness. It begged her not to go so glaringly that she would never dare deny it. In his eyes was a look that spoke more to her than all of the words she'd ever heard in her life combined.

He knew she understood everything he wished to tell her, he saw that recognition in her eyes. It only hurt worse when she gave him a sorry smile. He should have expected as much, she'd never been good with complicated.

Giving him one final peck on the cheek, April forced herself from his arms and walked out the door, praying to God that she would somehow live to understand any of it.

_**So they need some space from each other. I always thought they needed space. By bottoming out, it forces them to be more honest with each other than previously allowed. They'll be seeking their own understanding and peace of mind rather than just trying to fix it.  
**_


End file.
